Hawaii. I'm here, I'm at the Aloha Outpost cuz ya know I just couldn't stay away from diaryland, even on my vacation in the jungle. INTENSE. That is the word for the way I feel when I come to Hawaii. Something about this place (I'm on the big island...lots of volcano energy..yea..fuck off if you are thinkin' "what a new age freak"..its my diary, ain't it? He he. But seriously..every time (this is my 2nd time) I come to visit this place I have HUGE emotional upheavals. Last time I came it was ANGER. I even pounded on my sister and screamed "I hate you" while she was driving (I was smoking still at that time and mujst have been having a nicotine fit..duh!)..that was my one and only blind rage and I really did see RED. That is not a myth. There is something here though..something primitive and primeval (sp?) and it makes most people just lose their shit big time. On the way this internet cafe I just started bawling in the car. Lucikly it was in front of my mom and didn't feel too embarrassed. She knows how fucked up our whole families' brain chemistry is and she just knows. So my issue/emotion of this trip is gonna be ranging from bittersweet melancholy to black hole in my heart, fucking existential, fatalist DEPRESSION. Hopefully it won't be constant. It feels good to cry though. It is incredibly healing. I just have always felt like my heart contained some sort of well that contained an endless bucket of watery, metallic pain and no matter how much I cry and try to open up and heal my heart, the well and bucket still contain an infinite amount of sorrow and loneliness. Does this makes sense. I think it probably does. Anyway..I can smell BBQ from here..and I am starving and thank god for meat in this hippie town. Thank fucking god for greasy, spicy, saucy meat. YUM!! I love my sister's kids..they are just the most well=behaved, amazing, beautiful and creative little kids I have ever met. I'm totally serious. Whatever my sister did or didn't do in raising them, they have turned out to be just great kids. I was putting Wahliya to bed last night cuz mommy was tired and I know I always talk about how I don't want kids, but having the following experience just makes me change my mind at points. She is just magical. She is 4 and has the most beautiful and huge almond shaped green cat eyes, blonde hair, she has naturally dark skin and Hawaii just gives her a beautiful golden brown color. She is like solid honey and so sweet and SO ORNERY (Just like her auntie..Yea!) She started singing me songs (she must find song comforting..I bet she sings herself to sleep)..She sings in an incredibly quiet, high, off-tune little girl voice...she sang songs like "Once there was a girl, and she was picking flowers all morning long, but she didn't know that they were poisonous, and then she went away and noone ever saw her again." WHERE did she come up with this? incredible. She kept singing these sweet, and almost melancholy songs about a little girl getting lost and noone ever seeing her again cuz she had run away. She was starting to get tired but she was so stubborn that she just had to keep singing these songs. It cracked me up, and all along I'm listening to the POURING rain (I swear my sister lives in a jungle...her upstairs bedrooms just have big screens for windows and it is like sleeping a giant treehouse, very cool)..but it was pouring and the big palms and ferns where swishing around in the wind and there is my little niece singing and its dark. So magical...just..wow. I wish I could feel that way every night. I'm not sure what else my plans in Hawaii call for. It might rain the entire time I'm here, so no beaches for me, but that is ok cuz I am the anti-beach bunny, lord knows! I'm glad to see my mom and sister and my niece and nephew and just to experience this place. It really is like nowhere else I've ever been. I couldn't live here but its a great place to visit, even if you are on an emotional rollercoaster. Love to all (God..see, one day here and I'm a fucking Deadhead (wearing a studded belt, though)...Peace!

do the jerk * do the frug