I've been up since 5:30. I just can't go to work again. In fact I don't think I can go until Monday. I thought I wasn't really sick, but it turns out that I realize what this is. I can't be bothered to bathe, to eat, to talk to or see anyone. I don't wanna leave my house, change my socks, brush my hair, brush my teeth. I just feel like lying in bed, hopefully sleeping for like 15 hours to escape this little mini breakdown I'm having. I have these suckers about once or twice a year. I do admit they come during fall and winter so I wonder if these darker, shorter days do affect me more than I let on. I guess its time for a trip to the doctor.

Doctor "So, what's going on?"

Me "Well, I don't know..um...I just can't seem to make myself go to work, get out of bed, bathe, eat much, be socialable or anything."

Doctor "Oh, so you are really depressed? Are you having any suidical thoughts..what do you think about increasing your anti-depressant"

Me "No, I'm not suicidal. I don't have enough energy to off myself. No, I'm not really wanting to die..I know I won't feel this way in a few days or few weeks or whatever. Sure, I guess we could increase the Effexor...I don't really care.whatever."

Doctor "Ok, we'll try that. come see me a week if you still feel this way."

Me lying "oh yea..I will."

....

I just love self pity. Feeling this way makes me feel so fucking selfish. Someone recently accused me of being 15. Well, yea..Maybe I've become that again. I sure feel like that pathetic teenager that I once was. I can't even be bothered to cry much at this point..I just don't have the energy. I don't care. I'd like to just leave town and find a nicely furnished and warm cave and be there for A LONG TIME! The thought of even having to leave the house to go to the doctor to get a note to excuse me from work and to "get myself some help" just irritates the fuck outta me. Any doctors do house calls anymore? FUCK. I"m going back to lie down. The cats make me feel a little better sleeping on my feet and they are so clueless as to my state of mind. I wish I was clueless to my own state of mind. I'm going back to bed. Hopefully I'll wake up feeling refreshed..like a go-getter, like a fucking Windex commercial. HA! TIme to dig out the Sylvia Plath collection. Oh jesus..then I really WOULD be 15 again. Maybe I should watch Pee-wee's Playhouse instead..that is a probably much better idea. I've even half way lost my sense of humor at this point and you KNOW (if you know me at all) that is very unlike me. Fuck, someone slap me now!!

do the jerk * do the frug