2002-11-11 : A Promise to Myself
God damn it. I can feel "the addiction" creeping up on me slowly, again. I've already smoked 3 cigs today. 2 months ago I wasn't even smoking on a daily basis. Where is my self-control. Where is my willpower..it seems to have vanished. I need to take better care of myself. I need to start eating low-fat, cut out these "smoke breaks" with the other girls at work, insist that Jay not buy "emergency/when we go to a bar and feel like smoking" packs. I also need to get my ass in better shape. Need to start exercising (dancing at home is the only regular exercise I enjoy and can actually MAKE myself do)..but I can't even seem to do that these days. My excuse lately has been that I've been so stressed and depressed that it is ok to do whatever I want, even if it is unhealthy. No more, I tell you, no more. I need to set a date in the next 7-10 days (see, I'm already putting the "I'm taking care of myself" routine off by almost 2 weeks!) and start doing all these things to improve my health. We'll see if in 10 days I've accomplished any of these things. Actually, today is a Monday. Monday's are always a good day to start something again. Tonight I WILL exercise when I get home and then I will only eat some fruit and cottage cheese for dinner. I promise, to myself. I need to lose 10-20 pounds and I'll feel better about my body and then maybe I'll not be embarrassed to have Jay see me naked again. I know he doesn't care (well, maybe a little) but I DO and it makes me feel fat and ugly. I used to incredibly thin up until I was about 25 and then between getting older and taking antidepressants I've ballooned up from 120 to almost 160 pounds. AAAAAAH!! I need to control myself!!