I woke up feeling a huge range of emotions and I keep cycling through them and its pissing me off. I started off my day feeling really angry for some reason, at everybody and nobody in particular and it is strange to feel that way. I've been thinking alot about people in my life (and from my past, too) that are incredibly self-absorbed and I start to get really irritated, but then I feel like a hypocrite because aren't we all just a little self-absorbed (the degrees to which just vary from person to person)..and NO, anyone that might be reading this diary..this is not directed at any of you...not really at all. I guess I'm complaining about all of humanities tendency to have their blinders on..to all be in their own little worlds that involve anything but their own problems, and I too am guilty of this. For example, I feel bad for my mom continually, esp. after she told me that her brother got like 50 condolence cards about grandma and my mom hasn't really gotten any and she said it is just because he's popular and she isn't a very social person and that just made me feel so sad. I started crying on the bus and I fucking HATE it when that happens and I try to turn my face as far to the window as possible so nobody will notice. I have this strange paradox in me at times like this to on one hand, want to be invisible and hide from everybody, and on the other hand I WANT people to ask if I'm ok, to pay me extra attention. Its so pathetic in a way that I cannot make up my mind, and yet I bitch about friends that do nothing but talk about their own problems, but yet I rarely disclose anything about how I'm REALLY doing to them because I clam up and I just can't spit the words out and I get really private and hidden, even towards my oldest and best friends and how can I blame conversations w/some of my friends (I'm not talking about you Tap..I'm talking about someone that doesn't really read this diary!) as being all about "them" when I just won't open up and share. I don't know.

I'm also incredibly stressed by the thought of taking the GRE. I'm really stressed by even the act of studying for it. I skimmed over the math section last night just to take a look and I just gave up entirely within 5 minutes because I am so BAD at math and the math on the GRE just looks like arabic to me, which I don't speak and there is no way I can re-learn or teach myself these math concepts I never learned or retained in the first place. I can balance my checkbook and that's about it. I'm just frustrated cuz these test manuals and the info in them and the GRE test in of itself is so difficult (but maybe it isn't..) and I just feel like I am so STUPID. Even with things I THOUGHT I excelled at (and have on past tests) such as language, reading comprehension, vocabulary, etc...even that is challenging me and I wonder how I could be so fucking stupid. I need to readjust my attitude about studying for the test and taking the test and grad school in general. I need to stop being such a defeatist, but it is hard right now. So very hard, esp. when I keep slipping back into these tiny craters of depression every week.

Oh yea, I meant to write this last night. There is almost nothing worse to me than being trapped on a bus for 45 minutes with somebody sitting directly behind me that smells SO BAD. I wanted to vomit. He smelled like old bongwater, dirty, body-odor ridden, unwashed clothes, and cheese, onions and green peppers on top of that. It was the strangest, sweetest, sickest smell I've smelled ina long time and the bus was CROWDED so I couldn't very well move AND it was too cold outside to open windows for fresh air. I think the guy was mentally ill because of jerky motions he was making..he just had a schizophrenic vibe about him and so it probably isn't his fault that he isn't tuned in to his hygiene, but God...why do the rest of us have to suffer the smell?

do the jerk * do the frug