All I hear is people clicking away at their keyboards. It makes a plastic, spastic sort of music. It could almost be in stereo as the one in back and the one on my right are almost in synch, and then...nope, out of synch, like an irregular heartbeat. I hate the fact that it gets dark at 4:30 now, but suddenly the trees lining the streets are all strung with strings of twinkling white lights. The effect of that is best viewed in the dark. I have to admit that though holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas leave me feeling empty and homesick for snow, I love the visuals. The wreaths and the bells and the multi-colored lights. Even when it's cold outside, looking into the windows of strangers homes makes me feel somehow a little more warm, and my GOD, it sounds corny put like that, but I get a secret thrill when people don't lower their blinds or shut their lace curtains. Maybe it is because wherever I am I like pretending I am somwhere else and living a different life than what I am used to. Thus, my obsession with escape-isms. I rarely read non-fiction because I don't want to read THE TRUTH, though I do like memoirs for the same reasons that I like being a window-wisher/watcher.

Today while on the bus we passed what I believe is a retirement home and I noticed that one room's window was open wide and there were no lights on inside and I morbidly wondered if someone had recently died in that room and they were airing it out. I don't know what exactly I'm trying to say, except for this: so many times I feel so lonely, even while surrounded by friends and family and I realize that it is all internal. My heart has a hole in it that only I can fill up, but I'm always urging and wanting others to stuff that hole with attention and flattery and affection, though I don't think I return any of that nearly as much as I should. I notice that the melancholy starts around 4 in the afternoon and I cannot figure out why!! Maybe it is only fatigue.

do the jerk * do the frug