UHHHHHHH (I'm whining), I went to bed at 3 am and of course, I wake up 9. 6 hours of sleep ain't enough but sometimes once I'm awake, there is no going back. I"m wrecked. I've smoked too many cigarettes in the past couple of days, as opposed to the 1 or 2 per day I usually succumb to. I need to NOT go out, have any drinks (not that I've been drinking much) but the SMOKING..jesus fucking christ. Somebody hit me over the head with a stick. I can't breathe...do I have a death wish??

I can't hear today because the music at Zac's last night was so LOOOOUD, and I should wear ear-plugs when I see music, but NO! I think "Only losers wear earplugs" cuz it does cut out certain sounds (Yea! Probably some of the more damaging ones!) Fuck..I'm wearing earplugs from now on. Who cares. I don't wnt to be partially deaf in 10-15 years (though I might already be too late in saving my hearing!) Last night was fun, but ugh...I need alot of alone time, just reading a book and not seeing people. Sometimes I really wished I lived alone. Sometimes I wish I wasn't married. I just have this need to be a hermit and be completely alone right now. Maybe it's just becaue I'm feeling cranky. We came home last night and I was tired, but suddenly I got all depressed and was telling Jay "I can't do this open marriage thing (Yep..it's out...I was hiding it in here just in case my mother read, cuz I don't want her to know!), I don't know if I wanna be married, or even be in a relationship with ANYBODY right now. It takes so much fucking effort. I just want to be alone." I feel a little better this morning and not so irrational but my marriage confuses me so much sometimes. I really love Jay and I can't imagine not living w/him and having him in mylife the way he is now, but sometimes (most of the time), I feel like he is my best-friend or a member of my family (like a brother or something) but nothing more than that. The chemistry just isn't there anymore, and I don't know that it can be saved, nor do I know if I even WANT to be having sex w/people and being all "romantically attached" right now. Does any of this make sense? But on the other hand, we are the best of friends and I don't want anythign to change and getting divorced seems too drastic and even unnecessary. Do married people have to feel traditionally "in love"? I mean, realistically...what does it all mean? I'm so fucking confused. I"m just TIRED. so tired. I had a date scheduled tonight for what seemed like a cool guy and one I would have alot in common with, but last night I chickened out and thought 'I don't want to meet this guy, I don't want to DO this...what the hell AM I doing?' So I emailed him and told him I wouldn't be able to make it tonight. I wish I could just make up my mind one way or another about if I want to see other people or not. I change my mind from day to day. What is my fucking problem? Anyways, I"m gonna go read about others' lives so I can ignore my own for awhile, and then I might try to hit myself with a two-by-four and go back to sleep so I don't feel so irritable! Happy Sunday (always been my LEAST favorite day of the week!)

do the jerk * do the frug