2003-02-18 : I'm sick of You, and this, and THAT...
I am not a Happy Camper, today. I just feel so STRESSED. Burdened by new financial responsbilities (I have to now pay my ex-landlord $1700.00 for the carpet and bathroom damage that Jay and I caused (we are so STUPID, even though the black paint on the carpet and the colored candle wax stains on the bathroom floor and tub were ACCIDENTs..we are still both really fucking stupid!)...Unfortunately, I wrote a letter to my managers at my old apartment being completely honest about the damage *because I'm an honest person* and I signed my name to the letter and even said in the letter that I would PAY for the damage. I just had no idea that the repairs to the bathroom (they had to replace the whole fucking TUB!) and all the living room carpet would total $1700.00 (and they aren't charging me total of what it really cost them to fix it)..I am asking for copies of their repair receipts cuz I'm not dumb enough to totally trust that they've even HAD this work done on the old place. So, I'm stressing about that. So much for saving any $$...I'll have to set up a payment plan and pay $200.00 or more a month to get that paid off cuz I don't want my credit rating to be worse than it already is. I will contact the Tenants Union to see if I have any rights or any reason not to pay the entire amoount of this outrageous bill first, though.

Secondly, I'm SO CONFUSED about my fucking marriage. I'm married to my best friend, which is fine and dandy, but there is nothing left but friendship in our dealings and feelings for each other (and these feelings (or lack of them) are mutual)...I also can't stand that my best friend/husband has never worked a 40 hour week since I've met him, and I'm TIRED OF BEING THE PRIMARY BREADWINNER. So, even though he only makes about $700 per month, he still finds a way to purchase marijuana for himself, which irritates me, and yesterday he said he's selling a guitar on ebay to buy another guitar at guitar Center, and he just had to put a little $$ down (I should have asked how much)...Anyways, he isn't riding for free anymore..he's paying HALF the rent and HALF the utilities and nothing less. I've let him get away with being lazy for 2 years or more now. I can't do it anymore and besides it builds up resentment towards him and that isn't helping our marriage, either. I have 'dates' lined up for this weekend with men I don't even really know (match.com) and I'm thinking, WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? I'm looking for comfort and infatuation and love, I guess...but I don't even really want any of that right now cuz it confuses things so much. WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING??

Thank God for my friend, L (whom I happen to also work with)..she is the only friend in Seattle that I have that listens and lets me vent about my life. Everybody else is too wrapped up in their problems, so I never get a chance to talk..I just listen and console. I'm sick of it. Fucking sick of it and most likely it's my own FAULT that I never I let my friends do this.