Last night I watched a pretty movie that I rented from Video Vertigo (it was sort of sad, too) called "Rain." It's from New Zealand, has a good soundtrack and the characters are entertaining (and infuriating...none of them are the "healthiest" of people)..I recommend it!! It features this song by Lisa Germano that I remember loving when I first moved to Seattle in 1994. I think it's from her album "Geek The Girl" and it's "cry wolf" or something like that. Kind of haunting and sad (as that whole album is)
I feel SO much better than I did yesterday, where I was having a near breakdown at points. I hid in the private little rooms that have a phone in them and had no kleenex and tryed to call Jay and a friend but couldn't get a hold of anybody, which is ALWAYS the case when I most need to talk to somebody. THey aren't there or the line is busy. Not that it's their fault, but it's Murpy's Law or something. So I was a big sobbing snot-ball w/out any kleenex, blowing my nose on my undershirt that was underneath my sweater (disgusting, yep)..I actually felt slightly paranoid yesterday, like unseen forces (spirits?) were watching me..I swear I saw them out of the corner of my eye..those quick black flashes of something, and you turn around quickly convined that someone has just stood up behind you or almost tapped you on the shoulder but there isn't anybody THERE. It was driving me slightly mad, actually. I felt, HOW YOU SAY? INSANE! By the afternoon I had calmed down to just a numb/catatonic state and by last night I was feeling more like myself again. Argh...brain chemistry..I fucking hate you. Maybe I should increase my meds!? The thing is I'm SICK of taking these medicines..I want to be medicine free, but obviously I cannot be (esp. for the possibility of crippling panic attacks coming back).
I feel good today. All that hysterical crying obviously got some of the "shit" out. I'm actually wearing a groovy skirt and purple tights and lipstick today. I'l tell you all a secret. I am currently wearing 2 pairs of underwear! Boy, my crotch is TRES protected! I'm wearing a pair UNDER my tights and a pair OVER my tights (I know..not very sexy, but nobody can see!) to hold them up in place as they have a tendency to always sag on me (I bet Simone relates to that! She of the saggy tights around the ankles, etc.)
Last night I dreamed I was back in Champaign and I was at a gas station and I was in this car I owned and right before it happened I knew this suspicious looking guy was gonna try to car-jack me, and sure enough he unlocked my hatchback while I was sitting in the front and crawled into the car, so I got out of the car in a hurry but forgot to grab the keys and he stole my car. So I was stranded at this gas station, at night and I believe some family members were there. Then my dream switched to me revisiting Publication Services (which is an awful book-publishing place I did typesetting for for 3 years from 1991-1994) and finding that the owner's had changed and nobody I knew worked there anymore. Then I was at Ed's house (he used to work at Publication Services..cool guy. He was also in this band, 16 Tons) and his wife Janna was there too, but then they left and I was alone in the house and I put a bunch of wineglasses and other fragile stuff in their dishwasher and in my attempts to do their dishes for them, I found out that I'd broken ALL the glasses and wineglasses into big jagged pieces and I was really embarrased, and I couldn't tell them, so I just left them in the closed dishwasher and left their house, never to return. Then my dream shifted again and I was at my mom's "new" house (I think this was still in Champaign) and I had my own room for when I came to visit, and all the furniture were these gorgeous antiques. My bed was large and wooden and had been painted really ornately. I loved the room and the whole house. Unfortunately, the people that lived in the other half of the house were this large group of Thuggish Gangsta's who seemed to definetly be into organized crime and we were all sort of scared of them but we couldn't avoid seeing them.
OHHHH! Dead Moon is playing The Tractor Tavern tonight (along w/Gas Huffer and Steve Turner (Mudhoney fame) is doing his own acoustic folk set (THAT should be interesting!)...I'd really like to go. I think I will. I'm a big Dead Moon fan.
