I forgot to mention the dream I had last night. It was very...SAD. I dreamed that my step-dad and some other person (who was female, but I can't remember who she was or if I knew her or was related to her) died and I remember seeing them in their caskets and I remember that the caskets were ALL the way open and I felt like they shouldn't be showing the feet of my step-dad and this woman and I wanted to close the caskets over their bottom halfs. I remember sitting on some steps and I was crying alot because I felt like I never had the chance to get to know my step-dad in a more friendly and less distance way, and I was crying because it was already too late to go back and try to attempt to have a more "normal" daughter/father relationship with him.

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I don't really have a relationship w/my step-dad or my real father..they both send cards on my birthday and xmas and give me a little $$ on those two occassions, but I never call them and they never call me, and I sometimes don't actually SPEAK to them for years at a time..I do send the occassional email but it all feels so obligatory on both ends with both fathers. Sometimes I feel guilty that I don't really care or like either one of them. My real father has always been nice to me (well, except when he left my mom and my sister and I for another woman when I was 4) since I've had contact with him again but he's a stranger and nothing else. I know the people I work with better than my biological father.

My step-dad..I can't remember how he treated my sister and I while we were younger than 10, but I remember once we both reached pre-adolescense he was basically just a fucking asshole. I remember everyday afterschool, I'd be happy, watching Dance party Usa or something and then I'd see his ride drop him off from work and he'd walk up the driveway and I'd just have a sinking and disappointed feeling in my stomach. He'd come in the door and say "Hi" but it didn't matter cuz I just hated him. Then he'd take the remote control out of my hand (just to be a jerk) flip around a bit and ultimately give me it back in 5 minutes..there was no point to this but to show that he had authority and power and I hated that shit. He used to watch me load or unload the dishwasher...he would tell me I put the silverware in the dishwasher "wrong"....he never asked to read my poetry or to know how my life was and I never talked to him either. As an adult, I just feel sorry for him. I was so happy when my mom divorced him, though in the back of my mind I felt a little sorry for him in a way I never had before. I still feel really uncomfortable with him and have virtually nothing to talk about in a conversation and I guess that just makes me sad, or do I even really care? Do I need a dad to make me happy? I don't think so...my mom has been all I have ever needed. But I wonder if that dream about him dying and the sorrow and guilt I felt was symbolic of something that I need to try to do. Reach out? maybe, maybe not. Why doesn't he reach out to me? Why is it left up to me? I wrote him a letter when I was teenager expressing how much resentment I had towards him and how much he made me feel unwanted since he would never legally adopt my sister or I...I know he read it because my mom asked him about it and he said it was just between him and I and he refused to talk to her about it, but he never mentioned it to me..not a word.

do the jerk * do the frug