As far as clothing..do men dream about beautiful clothing? About shopping and finding the perfect socks. The flattering dress. The colors and textures? Do they attempt to color coordinate the way I obsessively do (sometimes failing)??? Clothing and discussions of it seems really fucking trivial, but I'm gonna do it anyway. My outfit makes me feel HAPPY today. It's a fucking Valentine's Day massacre. Who says you can't wear pink and red together? Did anybody actually say that? Hmmmm...I'm wearing pink tights, my ruby red slippers (literally...they are pretty much ruby red velvet Mary Jane slipper shoes), a red shirt and a multi-colored paisley short skirt (with sexy slits up each side)..the skirt is ridiculous mish-mash of lavendear flowers, dark red leaves, pepto-bismal pink diamonds and paisleys and white borders. I'm even wearing pink earrings, a pink beaded bracelet, a red rhinestone bracelet and a pink rubberband holding my hair back from my face in a tiny ponytail. And now on to less important and less exciting thoughts....
Jay. I'm glad he's moving out. I really am. Last night I got home and the first "argument" (we don't really yell or anything) was about this band, Burning Brides...he was given their new CD to review for The Tablet. It started off pretty good and had some good songs by the end...but at first I said "Whoa..this is really derivative of alot of things, but I think I really like it" and he says in such a snotty manner "Well, I only give it a 5 out of ten" and he had said before "Yea, this band is the new hot shit" and therefore I knew he had set himself up not to like it before he even heard it because of this band's new found popularity. Plus, he pointed to the band glossy that came w/the Cd and said "Oh look..they're all so PRETTY." And he pretty much admitted to being predisposed to hating them without giving them a chance, but not before saying "you are insulting me" because I hit the nail on the head about how he'd pre-judge them negatively just because of any "hype" he's heard. Sometimes I think he is an unfair and biased music reviewer/critic. Sometimes I think he does a fairly sub-standard job of writing about music. Sometimes I think I'd do a HELL of alot better than he could..but I just don't care to write music reviews. Sometimes I think he's a fool for thinking his funny, but mediocre band will go anywhere...and I feel like such a bitch for these thoughts and feelings and I wouldn't tell him these things, but I don't want to destroy his self-confidence (which is getting better these days, and that is good)...but last night he was just being cranky and a jerk for no good reason and I asked "why are you acting like this?" and his fucked up response was "well...why does it matter since I'm moving anyway!" and I replied "you mean..you think it doesn't matter how you treat me, since you'll be moving out soon?" and he said "yea." I felt tears come to my eyes and then I just stiffened up with anger and resentment. I live with a fucking teenager and I can't change him. Only he can make himself grow the fuck up. He obviously sensed that he'd hurt my feelings cuz he said 5 minutes later "Oh, I didn't mean that." but sometimes words come just a little too late, esp. when I think he DID partially mean it. Later on, he came into the bedroom when I was trying to watch a movie and he was trying to be nice..and he did apologize more sincerely to me when I was in the bathroom. He said "I'm sorry for being a jerk. I don't know why I act like an asshole sometimes for no good reason." and I said "that's ok. I'm used to it anyway." and he said "I know..that's why I'm moving out. I'm moving out because I hate being an asshole to you." I think that is kind of a noble reason, but I also think it's pathetic on his part. He'll just move out..continue being a jerk in somebody else's house. Good plan. At least it won't be around me!! He just kills any feelings of affection I may have towards him still. I become silent and like a statue. I don't want him to talk to me. I don't want him to hug me, touch me. I want him to vanish. Anyways..enough of Jay. He's my best friend but sometimes I really can't stand him and I don't see how our marriage will work or that I even care about our marriage anymore.
Dreams...of red clothing. I dreamed I was in this fantastic store. They sold alot of vintage clothing and alot of faux-vintage. I bought EVERYTHING in a surreal shade of cranberry red, even socks. I loved the way I felt..the way I looked. I couldn't get myself outta the store. I just wanted more and more stuff, but finally I knew I had to go because Jay and ?? were across the street at some smokey dive bar waiting for me. Jay had said he'd buy me whatever clothing was in the store that I wanted, but I forgot that and I charged the clothing on my own credit anc then realized I didn't actually have enough $$ in my account to cover it, but then I thought "I'll bounce a check and have overdraft fees..I don't care..fuck it."
Speaking of red. The movie I watched last night was "A Taste of Cherry." It was an Iranian film about a man that is driving around picking up various men and asking them to do a job for them. He is very vague about what it is he wants them to do and they are all hesitant, even though he is offering good money. When they find out that he is planning on laying himself down in a hole he has dug in the countryside next to a tree, taking sleeping pills and committing suicide and that what he wants them to do is see if he's still alive in the morning or bury his body completely if he isn't..well, most of them refuse to do this...this is the premise of the entire plot and though it's very slow-moving and I almost shut it off several times, something made me really want to find out if he'd go through w/his plans and if he'd find a helping hand. Some of the dialogue and the cinematography turned out to be pretty interesting and poetic. He picks up this one older man, who works as a taxidermist for a museum who tells him a story of when he wanted to die. The old man proceeds to tell the story of climbing to the top of a mulberry tree in a mulberry tree plantation with a rope, but he became distracted by the laughter of children as the sun rose and by the delicious mulberries themselves and he decided he wanted to live. THe old man says with a humorous tone "A mulberry save my LIFE!" and I laughed out loud at that!! Check out the movie and let me know what you think...but this movie takes alot of patience...so be able to sit quietly still and concentrate on it. It turns out to be worth it, I think (though some might say it was nothing but a painfully boring art flick)....
The Middle East...today I read the news of groups of Iraqi's in and around Baghdad cheering and throwing confetti and looting the govermental offices and spitting on pictures of Saddam and attempting to tear down his statue in some city square and it actually made me feel happy that these people feel such a sense of freedom. Then I immediately became distrustful of the media and thought "of COURSE our government wants us to see and believe images of this so they look like the saviors and the good guys." But I'm growing tired of being suspicious and overly analytical of EVERYTHING I see and read in the media. Why can't we just be happy for the Iraqi people (that weren't killed by us) that are feeling elated? Why can't we give a little credit to our government and Britian for going in there and doing what they are doing (though some of it makes me sick)...I feel that my attitude towards what is happening is changing slightly...am I the only one? It's almost embarrassing to say this...it kills my liberal "cred" (ha ha ha..what bullshit)...I hope the US will be really cooperative w/several other countries in controlling, patrolling and "fixing" the country..I hope they don't try to be BIG BROTHER CONTROL FREAKS and think they have the right or priviledge of doing it all alone (or the arrogance..which I KNOW they have)..anyways...it'll be a long, hard road to rebuild Iraq and make it a better place for the Iraqi's to live, and with that..it's time for me to get to work! Hugs and kisses to you all!
