How do I begin this entry? I'm more calm than I was this morning. I've been cleaning the kitchen while hysterically mad and depressed...crying until my stomach muscles feel tender just to the touch. Crying in a wordless, open-mouthed, sobbing silent scream (god..that is a fucking pretentious sentence if I ever typed one..) I guess I've been feeling sad and alone and rejected and just really fucked up about Jay and I's imminent separation lately, but it all came to a head in my own mind today. He's at work...I woke up and just started crying. I feel so much PAIN and anger and resentment and I have no self esteem left. I feel so rejected. I feel like I am worthless, and I know this is all bullshit but this is the way I feel. I feel like pouring his fucking coffee all over his bed, pissing on his pillow and burning everything he owns and I don't even KNOW why I feel so angry. Maybe because he's leaving, moving out, dating other people (though that isn't going anywhere) no matter what I do or say or how I act or who I am. I don't know if he loves me. I don't know why I should love him but I STILL DO. I didn't think I did, but with the threat of him leaving...I realize I can't stand THIS. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of giving a fuck. I'm tired of NOT giving a fuck. I'm just tired. REALLY fucking tired. But, at least the KITCHEN IS really clean right now. I'm not usually the type of woman who consoles her broken heart by cleaning, but it did help this morning even though cleaning puts in me in a bad mood. I was dripping snot from my nose into the sink (sorry..gross, I know) but at least the sink was SPARKLING!! My hands feel really dry and dehydrated now. We are out of toilet paper. I've used all the hot water. I just want to fucking SCREAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

I want to punch my fists into something hard until they get bloody. I want to break a million glasses, but I just sit here typing. Oh, enough about this shit.

Thursday I went out to see Jay's band. I am glad to report (this is so fucking petty of me) that the new bass player isn't really quite ready yet so I thought most of their set sounded AWFUL..really out of synch with each other....I kept taking pictures and secretly whincing when their songs would just fall apart at the seams. I think they will be better with a little more practice. It's not that I don't want his band to go anywhere..I'm just fucking sick of him right now. Remind me not to get involved with ANY more MUSICIANS..jesus fuck. I had fun that night, though. I just kept drinking (why am I drinking more and more these days? It's not like me...I've finally succumbed to using alcohol as a pain remedy....it's terrible. OH fuck it..I don't care.) and I harrassed some asshole from Northern England (Chiv is alot nicer than this fucker..let me tell you)...maybe that guy was actually very nice and I was just surly and drunk. I kept insisting this one sullen guy roll me cigarettes from his tobbacco. I think he hated me. I think I was bugging everybody in the bar at this point and I just didn't care cuz I was having fun. I managed not to puke until on the way home. Nothing quite as embarrassing as vomiting in public..haven't done that for ..YEARS..luckily I was able to make Jay pull over in time, so the car was spared. I had yesterday off, thank God. I didn't get out of bed until about 2:30 in the afternoon. I'm losing control of myself and the sad thing is I'm not even sure that I care anymore. I imagine I'll go to the Vogue with Jamie tonight and drink alot and dance my ass off and feel like shit tommorrow when I go to the book club meeting, or maybe I"ll stay home or if I do go out I'll have some self control and not drink so fucking much. It's just so wierd, cuz I'm really not much of a drinker, but over the past 6 months...2 or 3 times a month I get really fucking drunk. Why do I keep dwelling on this? Maybe because I think it is such a fucking stupid way to console my broken heart. I should just stick to my sedatives instead (that was a joke).

I walked down to the Egyptian theater yesterday after I woke up and watched an intensely beautiful and moving movie "Nowhere in Africa." Go see it.

I'm done. I have nothing else left to say. (*you may now applaud*)

ps...while waiting for the bands to start on Thursday, SOMEBODY kept playing Pantera songs. What is WRONG with people? 4 Pantera songs in a row were played. I almost left. THen somebody played a few songs off "Ride the Lightning" so I was pleased (I like old Metallica...sue me)

do the jerk * do the frug