Ah..such mixed signals from Jay. Yesterday while talking to him on the phone while I was still at work he said "I have treats for you." I got all excited. I love treats, esp. surprise treats. So I got home and I was putting my coat on it's hook and throwing my backpack on the floor and giving a "I'm home, my precious kitties" pats on the head to Opal and Poppy and he said "HEY! Did you see your treats?" and I said "Oh, I will in a minute..just hold on a second while I put my stuff away." Then I went in the kitchen and he had FABULOUS treats for me. Him and the seniors had taken a "scenic drive" over on the Eastside and they ended up going to Merrymoor (sp?) Park and unbeknownst to them, there was sort of a craftsy festival thingie going on, so they all got off the bus and walked around. Jay got me two deliciously scented candles (one is very cinnamony and I can't place what the other one smells like...the ocean, maybe) and he also got me a little box of very rich chocolate truffles and best of all, he got me a big bag of "tulip" scented bath crystals! I was blown away at his generosity and how sweet he'd suddenly become. On top of all that, he said Happy May Day and motioned to the Snoopy Pitcher that he had filled with various flowers, mostly lilacs (which I love)...very, very sweet. I hugged him for awhile and I said "Why are you being so nice to me?" and he couldn't really tell me why but he did say "I don't know..I guess I just want to show you some appreciation." Which made me very happy. So then I did this little half-assed silly MayDay ritual and Jay kinda did it with me. Part of included dancing around like dorks while I sung out these May Day Carols I had found on the Web. We were giggling at how foolish we were being, but it was fun.

After eating, we settled in to watch "Elmer Gantry" which Jay was excited about seeing again, since he hadn't seen it since high school. "Elmer Gantry" is a spectacle of a movie. Burt Lancaster is amazing! I loved it! It reminded me of "The Apostle" for some reason.

Then the mixed signals came....when the movie was over and I was feeling all sleepy (I'd taken one of my sedatives as I sometimes do to promote deeper, more satifsying sleep) and laying in bed in my red jammies, just about ready to turn off the light and hit DreamLand, Jay said "I feel sort of sad." I asked him if Elmer Gantry had made him sad and he said no. He then said that he was sad because he felt bad about not being attracted to me and he was wondering what would happen if he never felt attracted to me again. I didn't get upset (I'm still not, just confused a little) and I said very rationally..."We will wait and see. When you move out and we live apart for awhile and if you find that you don't miss me or can't get the spark back, obvously we'd have to get divorced. What else would there be to do?" So, that was that, and I realize it's possibly coming (The End), but I'm tired of being bitter, angry, hurt, rejected and sad. I just want to live my life to the fullest and whatever happens between Jay and I will be whatever happens, nothing more or less, and I'll go on with my life, no matter what, either with him or without him and I'll still have my own life so it ultimately doesn't really matter what happens does it? As long as I can find some happiness in my life, I don't need somebody else (such as a man) to have to make that happen for me. So, time will tell.

I'm glad it's Friday. I plan to go to dinner after work and then watch "All About Eve." Read and relax, and maybe tommorrow night I'll go dancing again at the Vogue or maybe I'll just stay home. I need to also get a haircut..so perhaps I'll do that this weekend as well.

do the jerk * do the frug