2003-07-30 : The Runs and Dreams of Driving Phobia
God damn..I have "the runs" today. I almost had TO RUN to the Convention Center Bathroom as I was walking to work cuz I could feel that my intestines were gonna DROP out of my fucking body. I hate it when that kind of stuff just hits you really quickly. I was fine 15 minutes earlier when I left the house. I wonder if it's the butterscotch pudding I ate for breakfast...but that stuff isn't even dairy (I'm not lactose intolerant but sometimes dairy makes me a little poopy...) I'm gonna need to go get some pepto, obviously!! Ick..I just feel SICK!

I didn't sleep worth shit last night. I don't know if it was the heat or just an over-active mind or what, so I"m gonna be tired and cranky today but at least I have massage at 5!!

Jay came over last night and we ate pizza (maybe that is what is making me sick, though it usually doesn't) and listened to The Dirt Bombs (MAN...I just gotta say it again, in case I haven't....The Dirt Bombs make me wanna shake my booty...they are so good (thanks to sambadelic for the original recommedation many moons ago!)...So, then we decided to play Monopoly for awhile. Nobody won because after 45 minutes we got sick of it and quit. He accused me of being a terrible banker because I kept forgetting to give him $200.00 every time he's pass "GO"

Then he was about to leave and we were both just lying on my bed spacing out and I was looking out the window (my back turned towards him) and we were listening to The Dark Fantastic and I was looking at the blue sky and suddenly I had this memory of when we were living together at Lois' and I had first bought The Dark Fantastic CD and how we laid on our bed, in each other's arms listening to it and loving the hypnotic quality of the CD. So, I suddenly felt extremely sad because I knew I shouldn't or couldn't just crawl into Jay's arms the way I used to and the music was just too much of a memory of us when we still loved each other and I just burst into tears and he looked at me with some concern and I told him why I was crying and he left. I mean, he had to go anyway but I think my crying pushed him out the door even quicker. So, I sat on the bed, in the dark and smoked a single cigarette and tryed calling Larry but he was on the phone with his mom (I later learned) and I waited for him to call and I felt myself growing numb. The numbness replacing the sadness. Finally I talked to Larry and we had a good talk, and I told him about freaking out in front of Jay and about my fears that LOVE will never last, and my fears that Larry and I will eventually grow tired of one another (I'm really paranoid and neurotic and irrational and I think too much sometimes) and just that I was scared but that I loved him and was willing to take the risk of an eventual break-up anyways and he agreed and he made me feel alot better. Larry is a very comforting sort of man. I can't put my finger on it. But he almost has a maternal instinct..Jay never really did have that. It's a relief. I was telling Larry about my driving phobia and so last night I had this driving phobia dream. I HAD to drive from my grandmother's house (she wasn't there..she was dead in the dream as she is in real life but I looked through her windows and somebody was sleeping in her bed)..but anyways, I had to drive from Ivesdale to Champaign and it was like midnight and I couldn't find the right country road and I got all turned around but I surprisngly wasn't afraid while driving, I was just afraid of being lost...in the dream I came upon an accident in a ditch but I didn't really pay much attention to it. There were aid cars there and stuff.

*****

I wish I could go home. I need more sleep. Oh well....tough shit!