Can't sleep again. It's probably because I got up about 1 pm today..DUH! My excuse was hung-over. I was antsy last night (as usual) and went to "the fucking bar." I told myself that I could have self-control and just drink a few beers and smoke just a few cigarettes, but when people buy pitchers and I have a fresh pack of cigarettes in front of me, I have no control. "Hello, my name is Stacey. I am an alcoholic!" (Just kidding..but it does worry me that I got fucked up on Friday night AND Monday night)...I guess that is what restless and too much time on my hands (and no responsibilities like a job) does to me. I feel like there is not much to do in this town besides drink, smoke and fuck (and I've started playing PINBALL..which is amazing because I've had what you'd call a PINBALL PHOBIA (I know how retarded that sounds...but it's true..I had a PINBALL PHOBIA)...My heart would start racing and I would start sweating and feel a near panic-attack going on all because of that stupid little silver ball..I just didn't want to fuck up with the flippers...I still manically flip those suckers even when the ball is nowhere near because I'm so nervous when I play...it's like I'm afraid of the ball going down the chute and losing the game....ridiculous, huh? It's making me laugh actually! Well, Tracy and Hans "SURE PLAY A MEAN PINBALL" and I decided I should just PLAY and get over this assinine phobia, so now I can play and it's actually FUN! I even play pretty well and with practice I know that I will be a PINBALL WIZARD and beat Hans and Tracy's every score (HA HA HA HA HA)...Where was I? Oh yes..I ended up drinking too much (it doesn't help that I took my sedative before going down there, but I had really planned on going to sleep, but went to that damn bar instead) so I went into the "drunkie" zone and came back here and had the spins (Makes me feel like I"m in fucking high school...I have no tolerance for alkie-hal!) and was laying in bed with one foot on the floor, which wasn't helping. So I went in the bathroom and puked and I felt much better. God, I don't mean to be sounding like I think it's cool to get loaded. I'm sure nobody really cares about "I got drunk stories" but those are the only ones I have to tell at this point.

Tracy played me this Dutch band from the 70's (You'd have to see what they look like to get how super stupid cool they are) called Lemming. "Lucifera"...it's great Alice-Cooper-cum-Rocky-Horror-Picture-Show-Does-the-Beach-Boys-if-They-Were-More-Doomy...Does that description make sense? Ha Ha. I also watched "King of the Hill" and "That 70's Show" with Trace. It's nice sitting with a girlfriend in bed laughing at stupid TV. I'm glad Trace is here! We both agree that we need to get our asses OUT OF THIS HOUSE more often and go the library or shops in Eugene or go on Nature Walks..Hell, I'll even visit the gun shops, I don't care (just kidding!) I think I might "smudge" the house to rid it of it's VORTEX OF SLEEP, RESTLESSNESS and BOREDOM. We need a pyramid of power going through the center of the house. We all need to be doing intepretive dancing in the living room and making gourmet meals. All I ever seem to want to eat is tortilla chips and massive amounts of tofu pate (Lite N Spicy)!! That shit is ADDICTIVE!

What else? Had really good sex tonight. It made my legs jello-like. Thank god for THE SEX..YOWZA! I hope noone in the house can hear us doin' it. See, maybe Tracita can just WRITE IN HER DIARY if she can hear us instead of embarrassing me by actually saying "We can hear you"....ha ha. I don't know how sound travels in this house. It's not like I'm a screamer or anything, but I'm not a quiet mouse either. God, now I'm embarrassing myself.

So, Larry is Scorpio and most of them have big dark secrets (or maybe only Larry) and tonight I told him that I thought he blocked alot of depression out. I told him that he walks around with a little bit of sadness surrounding him and he told me I was exactly right, and then mr. mystery man said he has never told anybody WHY he's so sad and he never will and he will not talk about it, period, and me being so nosey and inquisitive..this is driving me fucking INSANE! I mean, it isn't my business, honestly. I will try to let it go, but I feel the need to discover his trauma or whatever it is from his childhood. Damn, maybe I should go into counseling. He kept asking me to "please drop it, I'll never tell you..I'll never tell anyone the source of this sadness...not EVER!" And I pushed a bit more but then I gave up because I don't want him to get mad at me, but now I'm restless because I need to KNOW! But he'll never tell, so be it. Fucking Brick Wall....I will wedge the blocks out piece by piece slowly if he'll ever let me. I really have to have somebody I'm intimate with really open up to me or I'll be tortured (I'm being melodramatic)

Anyways, I'm gonna go catch up on my diary reading, and then maybe in 2 hours I can go to sleep (it's 11:23 pm)

do the jerk * do the frug