2004-02-11 : The End of the Fight
Of course we made up, though it wasn't until 9:30 last night. After I had sent him my scathing email, I called him and told him to read his email..I don't know, it was wrong to upset him while at work, but I didn't wanna hold in my anger until he got home. His email in response was basically "FUCK YOU. How dare you send this to me while I'm at work. Fuck You. I'm sick of the cats and now I'm sick of you." It was the response I expected to get from him (the boy has quite the temper sometimes, but so do I!) I didn't respond to his email. I did some stuff around home and then went to the library to relax and also sort of "hide" from him from about 3-6. I felt much better once I was at the library and out of the house and I was pretty much done at being angry with him. I was afraid, however, that he was angry with me still. I tend to calm down faster I think..or maybe I don't. Who knows. At 5:30 or 6 I left the library and decided to waste more time before going home (I was still trying to avoid him) so I went to the "shitty" bar. My roomie Chris was there and I forced myself to sit next to him and just be nice (he'd given me a "Freud Action Figure" earlier in the day and he cheered me up so I thought to myself "I can deal with his manic thoughts and talking..I'll just listen and laugh alot." He bought me two beers and I bummed 3 cigs off him. The beers hit me quick because #1 I hadn't eaten dinner and #2 I haven't drank anything alcoholic for about a month. I also hadn't smoked any cigarettes for a month until last night. OH well, 2 beer and 3 cigs..it's not like I"m outta control with that..ha ha! When I decided I'd had enough of the shitty bar and was ready to face Larry, no matter what mood he might be in, I walked home. At home I checked my email and noticed I had received another email from Larry. In this one he said he was more calmed down and he apologized for the things he said about the cats that upset me but still expressed his anger about why I had to do all this while he was at working, having to handle customer service calls, etc. (I totally see his point and I felt and still feel bad about that..I should have waited!) He also said that he loved me very much and that he'd see me when he got home.

I started to feel sort of sick from the beer and smoking as soon as I got home. I felt like puking but I didn't, I just rode the feeling out. I wondered why Larry wasn't home yet. I thought "I'll just give him time." I had arrived home at about 7:15 pm. He still wasn't home by 8:30, but I tryed not to worry. I was more concerned with not vomiiting. I took a very hot bath and that seemed to cure some of my nauseau. Then I put my pajamas on and laid in bed reading Marge Piercy's new book "The Third Child" (which is so-so) and then I shut out most of the lights except for a few small lamps and laid in bed in the mostly darkened room, waiting for Larry to get home. I felt sort of sad and sort of sick and exhausted from a day of fighting (and not fighting)...finally, I heard his loud little MG pull up into the driveway right around 9:00 pm. He came upstairs and grabbed his book.I think he thought I was asleep and as he was about to go downstairs I said "I'm not asleep, I'm just laying here." And he said he was going downstairs to read and sleep, But I stopped him. I apologized and he stayed and everything is fine now. I hate our stupid fights. We both turn into assholes. I'm not saying I didn't have a right to be upset about the things he said, but I"m also saying that I can be an asshole too. I cryed a little bit as he hugged me and then I was better. We had almond butter on toast and went to sleep.