I went to bed last night feeling very out of sorts. I felt very angry towards Larry without even knowing why. When I woke up I felt a switch had been turned on. I felt utterly low and I started fearing that I am not in love with Larry anymore, but I didn't want to trust my feelings because I felt so depressed when all of this was going through my mind. I couldn't sleep and I was tired. I threw on some warm clothes (it was a darky, rainy, windy and chilly morning) and I walked up the long hill to get to my favorite little park with the perfect view. I ate a Tigermilk bar and nearly couldn't swallow it because of the lump in my throat and the physical exertion of climbing this hilly street. Once I got to the park I sat on a bench and just stared at the valley below and the trees being shaken by the wind. It started misting and I felt pathetic there but also that the weather seemed to mirror my internal emotions almost perfectly. I felt a wave of total sadness and helplessness wash over me and I sobbed on this park bench, in the rain and asked out loud for help over and over again. I sat there for probably 20 minutes just asking for help and feeling utterly low. Then I walked back down the hilly road towards home. I ran a bath with rose water in it and scrubbed myself with Verbena scrubbing salts. I then dressed and went back to bed (where Larry was sleeping off and on) and despite smelling good and being warm I felt so upset. I kept dwelling on my unhappiness in my general life and in specific, the fact that I don't feel happy with Larry right now, which makes me feel guilty because of all he has done for me and how loving he can be. I also felt scared because I didn't want to hurt his feelings or add to his stress by voicing my fears that I was/am falling out of love with him, but I finally just had to break down and tell him all my thoughts. I think all these fears and thoughts are just a symptom of the depression I'm feeling today (and the start of seasonal affective disorder) and I voiced that to him and I think he isn't upset because he knows that I am still in love with him but that I can't feel it today because I can't feel love towards anything. I finally was able to calm down a little and I sat in front of my light therapy lamp for 20 minutes and then we went and got something to eat. Between a full stomach, an extra sedative and a few Hershey's kisses I started to feel more calm and I was able to climb into bed and fall asleep for an hour or more. I still feel a little somber but much better than early today. I just did a little 10 minute meditation (something I need to do every day!) and I think this has helped as well.

There is a severe weather watch in effect until 10 pm this evening. I'm not sure if we'll get the high winds, thunderstorms and hail or not. I"ll keep an eye out.

do the jerk * do the frug