2004-09-26 : In the Eye of the Hurricane (Aka: My Brain)
I'm just glad that it is a new day today. Yesterday was a VERY BAD day for me, emotionally. I woke up feeling fine, I guess, but then Larry snapped my head off right before he took me to the interview with the Chiropractor and that made me start crying, but I was able to calm myself and be "normal" for the interview. I don't think the interview went well...I didn't do anything wrong but I don't think I have enough front office/front desk experience. In a way that is a relief because my first impression of the Dr. (The Chriropractor) just wasn't a very good one. He struck me as a yuppie fuck head and he seemed cold and clinical..not very friendly or warm. I found it odd that his wife was there to do the interviewing, although he sat in the room with us the entire time. Maybe he does that to be able to observe the candidate without any distractions, but I thought it weird that he wouldn't interview his OWN potential employees HIMSELF. I also looked BOTH of them in the eye when I was answering her questions but I felt like he wouldn't really meet my eye and that makes me wonder if he has poor communication skills. The interview lasted only about 10 or 15 minutes and I just felt like it turned out to be a waste of my time. So, I walked to the nearest bus stop (Larry just dropped me off and went back home) and found out that the buses right in that area don't run on the weekends. I just started crying...and it was all grey and rainy and I ended up having to walk like 45 or 50 minutes to TJ Maxx to get to a pay phone and call Larry to come pick me up. At some point I got a little lost when I was walking (I don't know all the areas in Eugene very well still) and it just freaked me out.

Larry finally came and got me (and I felt guilty that he had to because he's pretty sick with a cold) but I just was so depressed and tired from walking that I couldn't bare the thought of taking a couple of buses to get home. On the way home in the car I just totally lost it. I was sobbing hysterically and saying "WHY did I ever move here?" and I actually started feeling a little suicidal. I wouldn't actually ever do it, but having fleeting thoughts about it really scared me. By the time we got home and I went upstairs I felt out of my fucking mind. I was pacing the room and I felt like the synapses in my brain were really misfiring or something because I could barely even vocalize what I was trying to say about how I felt...It was a scary feeling. Eventually I calmed down enough to talk to Larry about how trapped I feel in our relationship, in this town (the same old same old basically) and he just listened. I told him that his inability to express his emotions was driving me crazy, etc.

I had to cancel my meeting with my new friend which was disappointing but I want to meet her when I'm feeling a little more cheery!! I called her and cancelled and it was nice knowing that she understands completely. She has a really nice, soothing voice! She should work at a crisis hot-line!! We will meet soon.

I called my mom and talked to her for awhile and I even had a fairly long talk with my sister (who lives in Hawaii)..I was calling more to check on her cuz she's been having a terrible time of it recently, but at least her abusive boyfriend is gone and they are no longer together.

Then I called a local crisis hot-line when I was more calm and it was more to ask for referrals to clinics, etc. where I could get very cheap/free counseling or see a doctor or something cuz I need to. Unfortunately, because of so many budget cuts both nationally and in Oregon, there are very limited options for people who are in distress and have neither health insurance OR any money or a job, which is just completely FUCKED. I did get a few phone#'s and I will call them on Monday to see if I can get into to see somebody and maybe get on a cheap antidepressant. I need something that would cost me $25.00 or less a month and helps both anxiety and depression if I can find such a drug...any suggestions from my readers with antidepressant experience?? I just don't think the St. John's Wort (and even the light therapy lamp) or doing enough good at this point. *sigh*

Our neighbor's across the street had a party and we went over there for a little while. I felt pretty good while I was there..it was good to be in a social atmosphere and eat a little food and listen to some music, but I shouldn't have drank any beer. I didn't get drunk but the beer was fairly strong and all of a sudden I just got tired of being there..esp. with this certain couple I know who were chattering away to me incessantly about inane shit. I just got up and left and came back here and watched a little of GlobeTrekker with Larry...then I felt the tears coming again, but they had much less power this time (it sounds like I'm talking about a Hurricane! It almost feels like that sometimes...with my waves of emotion going up and down so much)...Globetrekker was in Spain and they showed a bullfight and then the slain full convulsing on the dirt floor of the arena, which just made me even more sad. Bull-fighting is so disgusting and inhumane. I finally took a bath and got in bed and listened to Art Bell on the radio for a little while and then I fell asleep.

I feel melancholy today but somewhat better. I have my free massage at 2 pm so getting some body work should help.

Hopefully I will get some sort of help soon because I really need it right now, and a dose or three of good luck!!

Oh, I'm pretty satisfied with my new diary look. I'll keep it, I think!