I had a really nice time today with my new friend, M. We talk really easily and have alot in common. We talked for quite awhile about our mental health issues (esp. panic disorder) and it's amazing how similarly we experience panic attacks. It's such a relief to talk to somebody that totally understands. My favorite part was when we sat on some church steps as the sun was going down and the trees all around us were so tall and reassuring and we just talked. It was so nice. You Rock, M-L! The only sort of weird side-effect was that when I talk about panic attacks I start to feel a little panicky. The bus was extra crowded on the way home, but I was able to keep an actual attack at bay. I just feel really tired. It is sort of draining talking about things in depth, but in a good way. I think I'll sleep well tonight.

Larry walked down to Quizno's to get himself a sandwich. I'm not hungry (ate pizza a couple of hours ago)...Unfortunately Larry is irritating me tonight. He's drank several beers (already had before I got home) and it sucks being sober around someone that is a little drunk. I reminds me TOO MUCH of being married to Rob. Larry isn't an alcoholic by any means, but I have these strange feelings about drunk men when I'm sober that are left over reactions from being with Rob. I just cringe for some reason and I feel disgusted.

I kind of wish I could just be alone all night. Sometimes I REALLY don't like certain aspects of Larry's personality and this is one of those times. He's not doing anything but being drunk but it's irritating me nonetheless. I was also trying to tell him about my day and he just didn't seem to be listening and kept asking me the same questions over and over again. Annoying. I think I need a vacation from him. I don't know what to do, and I always feel SO GUILTY when I have these "un-love" feelings. Maybe I feel obligated to love him since I'm so dependent on him for everything. That makes me feel icky. I'm SOOOOOO afraid that I'm not in love with him anymore. Larry is a wonderful person but more and more I keep having fears that he isn't the right person for me. I don't want to deal with those feelings. They are horrible feelings and make me really scared. I can't bear the thought of another potential break-up. I just can't do it. I need to figure out where my disillusionment with my relationship is coming from and try to fix it. Right now I just feel really tired and now because I'm irritated with Larry, I feel a little sad. I wish I was somewhere else. I wish I hadn't come home. I should have just stayed on those church steps.

do the jerk * do the frug