We did some training exercises to demonstrate all the frustrating circles an abused person finds themselves running in (with little resolution to the problem) and we also did a really fascinating exercise on people that have had priviledges in their lives. They made us all go outside and stand in this long line, holding hands...starting out as equal. And then a series of events (both negative and positive) were called out and people had to either step backward (if they'd been discrminated against for their race, had been raised by a single parent, grew up poor, didn't always have enough to eat, etc.) and people took steps forward that had certain priviledges (good income, wealthy family, had received inheritances, never went hungry, were encouraged to go to college, visited museums and art galleries as children, had gotten jobs and promotions through family members...priviledges, basically) and it was AMAZING to see how staggered we all were...some people (and they were mostly the immigrants) were at the very back (and had been given few if any priviledges in their lives) and then there were a few women at the very front who have had lots of priviledges while being raised. I was pretty far towards the front, though not that the very front. It was a really interesting exercise. I found for myself (and a few other people told me they felt the same way) that as I kept stepping forward more and more that I almost felt GUILTY about my priviledges and felt sorry for the people in the very back, and I wonder if the people that kept having to step backwards and were in the back of the whole thing almost felt a sense of shame or something. It's hard to say. Very powerful sociological experiment, though! We also watched a movie about Oppression of Woman (mostly woman of color (all colors) and religions such as Judaism, though they failed to mention discrimination towards Catholics (which has happenened alot..esp. when Irish Catholics first came over to this country..they were literally referred to as "The Niggers of Europe" and signs were often in windows during their migration "No Irish", etc. I don't know if alot of people know this)..of course this whole thing wasn't brought up in the movie we watched...The White Woman of European Ancestry were the "oppressors" (or the men)...that sort of bothered me, though I totally felt bad for the other women's stories of how they were judged and discrminated against and denied either their black side or white side while growing up (if they are mixed), etc. There were all sorts of examples of them being discrmminated against and their own stories about not excepting who they REALLY were out of fear or anger, etc. Some of the women joked around but many got angry and some just started sobbing. The movie had a sombering effect on all of us, I think. I saw and heard many of us crying during and after the movie. Tensions after the movie started to rise. I think the white woman felt put on the spot and didn't like taking the blame for alot of the prejudice in the world and one woman said something sort of naive (it's too complicated to describe) and it totally offended a Latina woman who was basically yelling about how she demanded respect for being able to be called what she wanted to be called (Latina, not Mexican, Indian not Native American..those sorts of things) so then people were even more tense..it was really interesting. I think they almost did this on purpose to get to the heart of what most of us can REALLY be like. When I see other people upset I tend to get upset and I had to go outside because I started crying rather hard (and we all know that I've been extremely emotional ANYWAY this past month) and Margo, the lady doing the training, came out after me and gave me a big hug and I explained how emotional I get and how the movie was moving but I felt like MY groups (Irish Catholics, people that have problems with Mental issues, etc.) was left out of the film and I told her I'd been having a rough time of it lately anyway and it just comes out easily. She listened and was very encouraging and told me that she thinks I'm a very strong person for having all these emotions. She is an AMAZING lady. I am so glad she is doing the training for us. She's funny and smart and a little sassy and totally REAL. Anyways, by the time I came back in I felt calmed down and others seemed calmed down (I noticed that other people had gotten quite upset as well...I don't think it was just me, so I didn't feel so stupid or whatever)....Then we talked about ways in our lives that we have felt power and ways we have felt powerless (I had alot to say personally about feeling powerless and I told them...it felt good to tell a group of people for some reason)...Anyways, she ended by having us yell out things we could do when we left to promote "self care"....journaling, exercising, taking a nice bath, drinking a glass of wine, shopping, eating chocolate, taking a nap, etc. And she ended with a relaxation meditation. She had us all close our eyes and focus on breathing deeply and relaxing ourselves and you could just FEEL the shift in the room. People seemed to feel much better and she only had us do this exercise for 2 minutes. She suggested that each of us probably has AT LEAST 2 minutes every day where we can take some time to do relaxing breathing, etc. Anyways, I thought the whole day was exhausing, inspiring, amazing, fun..just the whole realm of emotions, etc. I can say that I CANNOT WAIT to go back next Saturday for the 2nd training session. Ok, that was ALOT I wrote. I applaud you if you are still reading! I'm really excited that I will be in a position to possibly help someone by giving them comfort, by listening, by helping them plan safety strategies, by doing SOMETHING for SOMEBODY and not thinking about ME, ME, ME so much. It feels good when I make an attempt to go outside of myself and do something for others. This is why I'm seriously thinking of going into counseling of some sort as a Master's Degree and as a career.
The rest of the weekend seemed rather anti-climatic after the training experience. We went to Larry's grandparents and ate with them and Larry's grandma showed me some family pictures, which I enjoyed. I loved seeing what she looked like in 1945. Very pretty, and seeing James (Larry's step-grandfather) in a military uniform when he was about 20 (he's 82 now)..Amazing. I love history!
I took 5-HTP last night for the first time. I didn't think it would really affect me but I had really nice, vivid dreams and I had deeper and better sleep than I have had for awhile..I did wake up a few times, but it really seemed to help my sleep. When Larry's alarm clock went off I was totally confused and thought it was Sunday morning not Monday morning...weird. I had to wake him up to turn it off, he was so dead asleep.
I dreamed that I was going to college in Corvalis (which is about an hour or more north of here..Oregon State University is there) and it felt like I was 18 all over again. I lived in a dorm that was more like a fancy hotel and we all were allowed to have cats. Everybody had grey cats. My roomie was this cool girl that I hung out with and we talked about our love of old-schoool punk rock. At one point I was exploring the campus and main st. that had stores and restaurants on it. The funny thing was that I was TOPLESS the whole time, but not in a embarrassed way. I was covering myself with my hands but I didn't feel ashamed..it was strange. Guys kept trying to con me into taking a beer from them so that I'd expose my breasts, but I would smile and laugh and say "I'm not fooled by you..I'm not that stupid!" and walk away. It was a cool dream!
Well, I'm going to exercise and then shower and then eat lunch and then go downtown because I have a few jobs down there I need to apply for (you have to apply in person) and then I'll spend some time at the lovely Eugene library reading this and that (probably my fave magazines that I wish I had subscriptions to: Mojo, Bust, Bitch, Magnet and Blender...) and then Larry will pick me up.
I guess I should end by saying something in honor of Christopher Reeve. Um, but I don't know what to say. Sorry, Superman. You had a good attitude despite your spinal cord injuries..I liked Superman and you had pretty eyes. Rest In Peace, Superman!
