Guess I'm having a setback right now. I'm not sure what I mean by that. Despite things having felt better in the past month since I was feeling REALLY BAD, I thought (foolishly) that my moments of depression/pity-party/despair/melancholia/existential crisis or whatever the fuck it is..well, I thought that I wouldn't have these days where I just start to cry desperately. Where I cry on the bus...looking as far out the window as possible because I"m so afraid somebody will notice that I'm crying. Public crying is so weird. I have almost no control over it..the tears flow and I just have to let them. People rarely say "Are you ok??" and many times I'm glad that they don't notice or are trying not to bother me. but sometimes I wish a nice lady about my mother's age with a soothing voice and a certain warmth about her would just offer me kleenex and have the nerve to say "are you going to be ok?" Just to acknowledge that I'm suffering..it might help. But I go back and forth with that so much.

I didn't start feeling bad/crying until right after I left my "sister shift" at WomenSpace. I can't figure out if something about the experience triggered this freak out. Am I afraid I'll be unable to be a good crisis hot-line worker? The lady I sat with was nice enough, but I don't feel a huge amount of warmth from her or from our supervisor. The only person that strikes me as really cool is the Outreach director and I don't think I'll be having much more contact with her anymore..she was more in charge of doing those Saturday trainings, etc. Maybe I am afraid of failure. Maybe I'm feeling that I'm less excited about volunteering for this place. Maybe I'm afraid that I won't like it and I've already set my expectations up SO HIGH that this volunteer job is gonna SAVE ME (when my attitude shouldn't be about me at all..I should be wanting to help OTHERS)..I don't know. I feel like I need people to hug me more often. I feel like a wounded child. I feel like a freak. I feel like people think I'm strange (???) I feel like my cats don't even know how to love me (ha ha..that's kind of silly)...I looked at myself in the mirror just now (before I started writing this) and tryed to tell myself "I love you" but it seemed so stupid and like a lie. I don't exactly HATE myself, I'm not sure what it is. It isn't love, though.

Is this all just over=blown PMS (it is totally PMS time for me right now) and is it the cycle of birth control pills I'm currently taking (this week's strength of estrogen and progesterone or whatever waxing and waning?) Or is this just my life. Is this just human nature? I don't think these periods of anxiety or depression are EVER going to completely go away no matter what drugs or herbal remedies I take or how much I tell a counselor or how much I meditate or what food I eat or how much sleep I get or how much I love myself or how much I think others love me, and I guess that fact just disappoints me.

do the jerk * do the frug