I've been awake since 3:15 am, and now I'm sobbing because I'm dwelling on volunteering at WomenSpace. I feel so guilty and stupid but I in all honesty I just want to disappear from their volunteer list. I don't like doing this stuff. I thought I would be good at it. I thought I would enjoy it, but I don't and I feel like a failure. I honestly don't know what to do. I committed myself to them for 6 months and they ask that you give them a month's notice if you are going to leave their organization, but I just feel like running away from them. I can't put my finger on EXACTLY why I'm so worked up about them. I really don't like my supervisor. She's sort of pushy in a way that intimidates me. I just don't think I'm emotionally strong enough to deal with people that are in crisis. And though I feel badly for the people in these situations, in all honesty, sometimes I don't EVEN LIKE PEOPLE, so how I can possibly try to help them? Does any of this make sense? I took my first calls yesterday and it went ok. I handled one of them pretty well and felt proud of myself but that feeling was short-lived and I felt that my blood pressure was rising in anticipation of the phone ringing. It seems to be triggering panic attacks in me and that makes me scared, and also makes me think that I shouldn't be doing this sort of work. But I'm such a wuss. I'm scared and embarrassed to tell them that I can't do this. I reallly can't, and I'm beating myself up for being a "quitter"...I seem to quit at everything...jobs, marriages..everything.

Now, volunteering at the library is something I enjoy, so I can keep doing that, but I guess I just need to tell WOmenSpace I can't do this before they try to assign me my own shift..before I get even more involved in doing this. I just wish somebody could reassure me that I'm not a selfish fuck for not having the mental capacity to do this. In the meantime, I can't go back to sleep and I'm SO tired. Thank God I have counseling this afternoon.

I'm also just TIRED of this stupid life. When will I feel better? Things are so up and down...and this time I think alot of it is situational, and not bad brain chemistry. Once again, I feel trapped in everything. At least I start working at Harry and David next week, but that only lasts less than a month...then what??

I also applied to Pacificare for health insurance (I am enrolled in this program that will pay 95% of any premiums) but they turned me down because I'm "high risk" because my medical records show on-going mental health issues. I have this sinking feeling that EVERY insurance plan that my subsidy approves will turn me down because of the mental health diagnosis. How can this be true? The insurance companies are totally fucked up if you can't get insured because you have depression problems or anxiety problems. I mean, Jesus fucking christ, I NEED health insurance just like everybody else, in fact, possibly even more!

do the jerk * do the frug