I'm irritated (angry) with Larry and I can't even verbalize it to him. He's at work, and the last time I sent him an angry email at work he tore me a new asshole, and if I tell him in person when he comes home from work, he'll just get all irate and slam the bedroom door and then get in his car and drive off somewhere for 15 or 20 minutes. I can never just be MAD at him and have him say "I'm Sorry" and that really pisses me off.
He was in a shitty mood all day yesterday (not that I saw him all day yesterday) but he was cranky at dinner last night and then he was bitching while doing his taxes and bitching while updating Norton Anti-Virus on our computer and he always snaps my head off when he's like that. I'm fucking sick of it. I know he's tired. He doesn't always sleep well, which I'm starting to lose sympathy for since he won't get a sleep aid or go to the doctor about his lifetime insomnia, plus half the time he says that reason he didn't sleep well was because of something i did ("you snored in my ear all night", "You rolled over, basically shoving me against the wall and you wouldn't budge") etc. Well, WAKE ME UP or something..I don't know. I can't help what I do in my sleep. He needs to stop working 12-13 hour days 3 or 4 days a week...but everything is money, money, money to him. I'm sick of him and right now I just wish I could just get away from him for a mini vacation. The thing is, last night I tryed to distract him out of his bad mood with a little sexiness, but he had to DO HIS taxes and UPDATE Anti Norton Virus, so I said "Fine, but if I'm not in the mood by the time you are done, forget it!" and I felt rejected and I simmered slowly over that, but then I sort of got over it. Then when I went to get in bed to read my book, he had his tax info and pillows all over the bottom of the bed and I said "Excuse Me" as I got in bed and he just huffed and threw his pillows up at his end of the bed (in a fairly violent way) and that really made me mad. I wondered "Why does he have to fill out his taxes ON THE FUCKING BED? Go to a table...sit on the floor..whatever. So, I thought to myself "fuck this shit"...and with tears welling up in my eyes (which I tryed to stifle and hide) I gathered up my book, my walkman (so I could listen to Coast to Coast later), my pillow, earplugs and mouthguard and said "I'm gonna sleep downstairs, good night." I admit that I said it without emotion to see if he would catch on that I was hurt by him, but instead he seemed offended/irritated that I was gonna sleep downstairs. He just sent out that vibe by sighing and throwing his bed across the bed and he didn't say "good night"...well fuck him, really.
This morning he wasn't on-line at work and he AlWAYS is...so I called him and asked why he wasn't on-line (Yahoo Messenger is what I mean) and he said it was because he was rebooting his computer at work or something. So he got on-line and I told him that I thought that he was "punishing" me for going to sleep downstairs by refusing to IM me or whatever and he said "No, just rebooting" and then I asked if he was angry that I had gone to sleep downstairs last night and he said 'a little" and that just pissed me off. He should be apologizing to MEEE! I explained that he was in a shitty mood and that I decided to just go downstairs and leave him alone, but what I really wanted to say was "I wanted to get the hell away from you because I was angry." But I couldn't..cuz I don't want to ruin his day at work..anyways, blah fucking blah. I love Larry and most of the time things are good, but sometimes I just get sick of him and sometimes I just wanna have a job so I can live in an apartment by myself and not deal with this relationship bullshit. I swear, he always gets mad when he thinks or knows that I'm mad at him and that is so fucking childish. Just like my friend, Jill, who I haven't heard from since late August, when I sent her an email letting her know that she angered me when she came to visit. Yea, ignore me, Jill..like you do with everybody that hurts your feelings. Whatever, have a nice fucking life. Sometimes I don't care if I ever fucking talk to her or see her again. What kind of a friend is she anyway?
I'm sure I'll get over this (I'm weeping right now) and maybe I just need to cry, because my moods have been really even-tempered for the past month or so, mostly and nothing good like that can ever last, obviously.
I'm still waiting to hear back on whether or not I got the job at Leavitt's. I'm sure I did, but I wish they'd hurry up and offer it to me. Things went well yesterday with the group interview and I met 2 or the 3 owners, but I guess I just have to wait for them to all get together and discuss me and then let the temp agency know..I'm getting a little impatient, though.
This sampler from Bella Union probably isn't helping anything..it's really beautiful but extremely melancholy for the most part. I know I should put on something happy so I would stop crying but what can I say? I'm a masochist, sometimes.
