I drank some red wine with dinner. Just a glass and love how purple my teeth, lips and tongue get. It's a strange reason to drink wine (and it's not the only reason that I drink it) but I do love the color on my mouth! I feel much better than I did this morning and early afternoon. I woke up feeling sad. I think it's the dream I had about my first love..the adventurous (and arrogant) Leo that has been working in Prague as a reporter for Radio Free Europe, has a son, and is married to a "beautiful French woman"...I feel so bitter about his life and the fact that I'm not in it. I mean, I only have those feelings every ONCE in awhile...he isn't somebody I dwell on, but when I dream of him (which happens about once a year) it just makes me sad. I feel like he became a winner (successful) and I became a loser (unmotivated and unemployed) and in my dream he was in town (some town...maybe in Illinois..possibly Carbondale) and we decided to go for drinks and I left my ID at home and we stopped in an art gallery and I was hiding a pint of beer in my jacket that I'd brought with me from home and I got caught and made to pay a fine and was threatened with arrest if I didn't pay (but I had no cash, no cards and they wouldn't let me write a check without my photo ID) and my ex-boyfriend also got find for some hidden crime (I never figured out what he got in trouble for) and he just took off and disappeared and it made me sad. END OF DREAM/END OF DREAM.
My mother also irritated me (I didn't realize that until after I got off the phone with her)...I was venting (only a little) and she was giving me advice about jobs and finding jobs, and damn, I didn't call for advice, but just to talk and I also mentioned that I probably was limited in job success somewhat because I don't drive (I have a driving PHOBIA...a hardcore, terrible phobia of driving) and she said (rather emotionless and unsympathetic) "You know...if you're ever going to have a child, you're going to have to learn to drive..you're going to have to get over that driving thing." and I just felt like crap. It's a PHOBIA..they aren't so easy to just OVERCOME by driving around the block a few times. And then I got really depressed when I called this certain temp agency (who I've had a few problems with..I swear that they hate me and think I'm a freak) and told them that I needed help finding a job and the lady looked over her notes about me in their system and said "honestly, there are some red flags here" and she admitted that they wouldn't probably want to work with me anymore (which I guess I already knew because I haven't contacted them since July) because I seem unreliable and they'd have a hard time marketing me, and I sometimes now wonder if they are giving me a bad reference and that is half the reason why I can't get ANY fucking jobs, and I can't MAKE them say nice things about me (and half of the "complaints" about me from my last temp job at PeaceHealth are basically LIES or misunderstandings)...anyways, the ladies at Accountemps are BITCHES and I've always felt like a piece of shit when I talk to them. Other temp agency staff don't make me feel that way. So, by this time I was sobbing and feeling worthless and thinking about overdosing on klonopin (no, I won't do it..don't worry...I only getting fleeting suicidal thoughts..and those are not all that often) and Larry came home and I was sobbing and hysterical and ranting on about how people treat me like shit (including him) and that my self-esteem has been scraped away to a flat, dull surface and I just got sick of feeing sorry for myself and trying to explain, so I sucked it in and told myself "STOP CRYING" and then we went to the cheap movie theater to see "National Treasure" which was shitty and awful (like I knew it would be) but I knew Larry wanted to see it, so I went. It distracted me long enough and my horrible mood disappeared. The only residuals now are dry, stingy eyes from salty tears.
Oh, we went to Redmond and Bend this weekend (East-Central Oregon) and it was fun driving through the mountain passes into high desert. High desert in Oregon is pretty cool. I like seeing dust and snow within a mile of each other, plus evergreen trees and tumbleweeds and fields full of horses. We helped some friends move and it was a little tiring, but I enjoyed holding their six-month-old baby boy, Bryson (I don't like that name) and playing with their two-year-old (Ryder)...I was suddenly Ryder's best friend and he kept calling me "Case" or "Casey" cuz he couldn't say my name and he even told his mom to "go way" when I was playing with him in his room because I was his new, special friend. We stayed at a Super 8 Motel (those remind me of my dad) and I love staying in motels (even cheap ones, as long as they are clean) and watching cable TV. We channel-surfed and ended up watching (on VH1) that Metallica documentary (too bad all the "fucks" were edited out) "Some Kind of Monster" where they have a shrink try to come in and solve their in-fighting and overly massive ego problems. It was a well-made, entertaining and funny documentary, actually. I've never been a big Metallica fan (though I really like "Ride the Lightning" and the early shit) but I enjoy band documentaries! And, that my sweeties, is the end of this rambling monologue.
