Larry and I got in a major fight yesterday evening. It started over something as trivial as me wanting to go out to eat and him saying we needed to save our money and just cook something at home.
I met him at Max's (a bar) after work. I was really tired, it was really hot and he seemed a little drunk (he's an ass when he drinks most of the time) but he said he'd only had 4 beers in the span of about 2 1/2 hours so I figured he was alright to drive and he said he was. So, my cranky ass shouted at him (while was playing pool) "I'm not gonna clean up"..after he said he'd cook and that I didn't need to worry about it. After I yelled that (granted..that wasn't cool of me) he just snapped. I thought he was going to break his pool cue in half and he said "Ok, let's go" and I knew he was really pissed. I got to the car and ALMOST decided to take the bus home instead because we were both fuming. But it was so hot outside and I was tired, so I got in the front seat and I just burst into tears. He said nothing. I tryed to talk to him about how I was feeling..granted I was being really emotional and sobbing. I told him that I felt like even though I now have a job and my own money that it seems like he's still trying to control every aspect of our lives, esp. financially. It does feel like that, and I can't stand to have someone try to boss me around or control any part of what I do..I'm not some dumb, submissive little girl and sometimes I feel like he treats me like he's my father. I fucking hate it. Anyways, it seemed to be calm for a few moments and as he pulled onto a street where a grocery store was he said "FINE..where do you want to eat?" and I said "No, it's fine...get food at the store. This isn't about getting my way, Larry....I'm trying to talk to you about something" and I asked him to pull over the car so we could talk, but he instead he accelerated rapidly, and it felt like we were going to hit this car coming out of a parking lot and then I felt a huge amount of fear, and I screamed "LET ME OUT" or "STOP THIS CAR" and he sped up even more and then took an extremely sharp lefthand turn onto another street and kept accelerating and my heart was pounding and I was shaking and saying "Oh shit, Oh shit.." when he then screeched to a halt (I had asked him at least 3 times to stop the car or let me out) He grabbed my backpack from the backseat, tossed it at me, I grabbed my purse and he said "Get the FUCK OUT. Take your stuff and get the FUCK OUT." and I opened the door and wobbled out of the car, hyperventilating. I shut the door and he sped off. A guy walking down that street happen to see/hear this whole thing. And I was standing on the sidewalk hyperventilating and sobbing and the passerby asked if I was alright and I said that I would eventually be ok, and I just kept shaking. My adrenaline was racing. Larry had TERRIFIED me. I've never felt this way towards him. The guy asked if I wanted to use his phone, as he only lived around the corner and I said that I would be fine, and I vaguely explained that I'd just had a fight with my boyfriend and that my boyfriend had really scared me. At this point, it started to sink in..in mind, that would Larry had just done was actually abusive, and even now I can't stop think about it. He can blame his temper (or me, which is what he always does) but what he did with that car and scaring me so bad and then leaving me there. That was unbelievably wrong, and I feel like I can't forgive him, not just yet. It also makes me seriously question whether I want to continue this relationship or not.
Anyways, I reassured the concerned citizen that I was fine and that I was going to go up the street and make a call (I had left my cell phone at home..figures!) so I walked up the street to the grocery store and the pay phone outside was dead, which just caused me to feel even more like shit. Then I saw the bus go by and realized I wouldn't be able to catch it for another half hour, nor did I want to take the bus because I was so upset. So, the people in the bakery dept. let me use there phone (I was crying) and I tried calling my friend, pinkoid, but she wasn't there, and I had no idea what to say on an answering machine at that point, and then I tried calling my roomie, Chris, but Murphy's Law dictated that his voicemail came on as well, so I finally called a cab and had them take me to the "shitty bar" because I certainly wasn't going to go home right that moment. I saw an acquaintance at the "shitty bar" and I told him and his friend what had happened and they bought me a drink and some glasses of water and I calmed down and smoked a few cigarettes and even managed to laugh at their jokes, and then I decided I needed to eat something...God, this is becoming long and rambling. I went to a restaurant down the street and had something to eat and then I walked back home (not a far walk) and Larry wasn't here. I went downstairs to talk to Scott and our neighbor Mike and I burst into tears again and told them what had happened and they tried to comfort me the best way that some men can (which is not very much..they obviously didn't know what to say) though Mike was wise in telling me not to worry about it, because it wouldn't change what had happened and I could deal with Larry later, but that I instead just needed to relax and do something to distract my mind. They said Larry had come downstairs to grab his grimy hat (?) and that he had a travel case with him and didn't say a word to them. When Scott asked him where he was going, Larry said "I don't know" (this was before I got home, of course) and I figured that Larry was going to his grandparents, which I was relieved about. I was hoping a night or possibly two apart might help things.
I put in this goofy movie "Gypsy 83" about two Goth friends taking a road trip to New York to go to the "Night of 1000 Stevies" (a Stevie Nicks Impersonator shindig) and I started to feel much more calm, if not completely numbed out.
At one point I looked out in the driveway and noticed that Larry's car was here again and figured he was down at Scott's. I went down there and got a cigarette from him, but we haven't actually spoken. He slept in the guest room last night. I don't even know what to say. I can apologize for yelling at him in the car and getting hysterical, but I feel like he owes me a HUGE apology for scaring the shit out of me.
Anyways, what a great way to start a holiday weekend. Who knows when I'll stop feeling so hurt and angry.
