I should be in bed trying to rest and get sleep but I just can't for some reason. I'm going to try going into work tommorrow for the first time since this shit all happened and I'm nervous. Nervous that I won't be able to concentrate. Nervous that everyone will act like nothing has happened (when they were all told why I was gone), but also nervous that they will all just stare at me (but not say anything) as if I am a leper and they don't want to catch my grieving sickness. I don't know why I am even worrying about it. I just feel so different from the person I was before Thanksgiving. I can't even begin to describe how I feel.

I'm still jet-lagged (we got home late last night..didn't go to work today)....

I miss my sister so much. She had such a beautiful smile and such amazing blue eyes. If you haven't already, you can google "Stacey Fay" and you'll find a bunch of articles on the tragedy and you can see what Sarah looked like (and me as well, if you are curious!)

I put pictures of her and me on my altar tonight (one from when we were young...two girls in seventies swim suits...probably ages 4 and 2)..the other photo is from when the two of us in about 1992 or 1993. I also put a picture of my niece (who insists now on being called Lily, not Pua or Wahliya) and my nephew. They are such beautiful kids. Eventually I will have a picture of baby Josiah (Joe, as I've taken to calling him)...Anyways, I lit candles and just prayed and wept and asked that The Universe give that little baby strength, and my sister's spirit strength, and my mother strength, and the rest of my family, and I asked for some strength for myself..sometimes I feel VERY strong and other times, like tonight, I feel very alone and very scared. It's so hard to describe.

I can't wait to meet the baby. He will be born on Monday by C-section. My mother and my Aunt Mary Jane or now in Honolulu (and my brother and his wife are staying for the birth)..It sucks that I had to come back and miss it. I should have stayed.

In all honesty, I REALLY want to have Larry and I raise this baby...the urge in me is so strong, but my brother and his wife probably want to just as strongly..At least he must surely know how much he is wanted!!

do the jerk * do the frug