Gosh, I wish I could see Josiah. I've seen more recent pictures of him. He's gained weight (I think he's at least 6 pounds now) and has the cute, chubby cheeks of a newborn!

We are planning some sort of memorial service in the Spring (April or May) to be held in Illinois for Sarah. Larry and I are also trying to save our PTO up for the end of October..we want to go visit our friends that live in The Netherlands for 10 days, if we can. Mom also plans on flying back to Hawaii (the Big Island) sometime before the anniversary of Sarah's death to hold a separate memorial service there..she'd take Adahy and Wahliya with her and I'd like to be there for that as well...So much to do, so little time (and money), it seems!!

Mom seems to be doing well. She's baking and cooking dinner for us when we get home from work, which is really nice. She's feeling pretty good physically. She has 2 more chemo sessions to go and then hopefully that is it. One of her oldest friends is coming this weekend to stay for 4 or 5 days, and then sometime in February, one of her other old friends is coming to visit. I'm sure it'll be good for her to have her old friends around!

She still has her moments of intense emotional pain regarding Sarah..which of course, is to be expected, and will never go away, but will soften over time, hopefully!

I'm doing pretty well. My job is becoming more enjoyable to me. I finally understand about 80% of the time what I am doing. Some days it is very difficult to be at work, though. Grief screws with my concentration and I don't like being emotional at work, but it comes out anyway (which is good...to stuff it down inside would be very unhealthy)...

Some days I feel totally "normal" and then I have days where I get overwhelmed with a huge wave of sorrow and I cry and cry and feel like screaming (which I do in my pillow or on my bed so that it isn't audible to anybody else) and eventually I calm down a little bit.

It's scary to go through such a huge emotional surge like that, but I know it's unavoidable and I'm glad I'm able to get it out, instead of getting drunk all the time or taking drugs or other things that some people do to ease this sort of pain.

It's all a rollercoaster. It seems to be a little bit more even keeled than it was, say 1 month ago. I'm sure day by day, week by week, and eventually year by year it will get easier (but it will never be forgotten or totally go away)

We watched "Night of the Iguana" last night. It's one of my faves. Richard Burton is spectacular as a drunken, defrocked priest who seems to be suffering from a crisis of the soul. It is from a Tennessee Williams work. I love Tennessee Williams. His stuff is full of such southern melodrama and all about sin and temptation and hysteria..ha ha..maybe I haven't changed that much from the 17-year-old I used to be!!

Currently I'm reading "The Known World" (Edward P. Jones)...it's fiction, but seems to be based on history. It is about black slaveowners (pre Civil-war), which is a strange twist to history that I didn't really know existed!! It's very interesting.

I was watching a documentary on Abraham Lincoln a few days ago. It was discussing his lifelong struggle with depression and how it affected his loveless marriage to Mary Todd (who was a little nuts herself, yea?) and the choices he made while he was president. It was fascinating. I'd like to read some of the more recent books written on him and his life (especially the melancholic side of him)..I've always found him to be the most fascinating president, personally. Maybe it's the whole Springfield, Illinois connection. I remember going to see the Lincoln Home in Springfield when I was in middle school. I remember how long his bed was!!

Well, I'm rambling (which feels better than not knowing what to say!)