I am having a nervous breakdown. I don't know if it's depression or grief or a mixture (kind of like rain mixed with snow or hail or just a slush full of shit)
I am going to have to take a temporary leave of absence. I've TRIED to avoid this. I've tried to "stay strong" and I've gone to work but I'm right back to where I started. I'm not in SHOCK anymore over the fact that my poor sister was beaten, kidnapped, raped and ultimately murdered, I just can't GET OVER IT. It isn't something you get over, like a fucking cold.
I'm going to the doctor today. I'm going to counseling tommorrow. I'm trying to have some acupuncture/massage/bodywork done, but in the long run, I don't know that ANY Of it will help.
To make things worse, I feel like I have NO support system where I live. I have very few friends and the ones I do I don't see enough. The other friends have been great off and on about contacting me. Mostly I'm just in awe at how cold my mom and especially that motherfucker Larry can be. Mom has an excuse. She's going through this (maybe ten-fold) as well, but her suggestions of "have you tried praying" just make me laugh (and make me very angry inside)..YES, I keep trying that...it doesn't fucking help right now. Sorry! It just doesn't.
Larry is SO abnormally unemotionally available. Even when we were in Hawaii and I was LOOKING AT MY BRAINDEAD, FLOPPY, BEATEN SISTER lying on the hospital bed. Even as I had to say my last goodbye to her body, Larry was sort of someplace else.
Today he said he didn't know how to handle this. I don't expect that, but I don't expect him to react to it with irritation. I feel like people are UPSET WITH ME BECAUSE I CAN'T CONTROL HOW ANGRY AND SAD AND OUT OF CONTROL I sometimes feel. He even suggested today that I "check myself in somehwere".....he said it in a smart-ass, shitty tone. Sometimes I really think that I should end it with him. I don't think he's capable of dealing with the walking wounded (which is what I've become) and I don't think I can deal with someone that is a walking wall...a black hole of nothingness. I can't even talk to him about any of this. I've tried. I don't care anymore. I mean, I do..but I GIVE UP! FUCK HIM! But most of all, FUCK YOU, JUDAH..you piece of abusing shit. You have RUINED MY GODDAMN life and countless other lives. FUCK YOU, MAN. THe worst part is that he doesn't fucking CARE!!
I wish someone would just take care of me. I can't take care of myself anymore.
