Wow. I REALLY do have fucked up brain chemistry. I've known that for years, but I often forget how much BETTER I FEEL while on an anti-depressant. I realized that St. John's Wort just wasn't really cutting it. I feel really good on the Wellbutrin. I haven't really had any side effects and I have so much more energy and feel much happier. I haven't this cheery in many months. It really helps me deal with my grief. I feel much more in control of my emotions, etc. People have told me that I look a lot better since I am on the drug and since I took the 3 week leave of absence. I'm back at work and things are going fine. Of course, I still miss Sarah something so fierce that it burns in my stomach in heart, but somehow being on Wellbutrin makes it more manageable if that makes any sense.

I'm listening to The Saints. They are one of most under-rated and overlooked bands punk-rock bands of the 1970's! If you haven't heard them, get "I'm Stranded" and "Eternally Yours"...You'll grin from ear to ear.

I had the weirdest dream this morning. I was with mom and some other family members (but I don't know who) and we were walking some hotel (we were staying there?) but also in some shopping complex and I gave birth to this tiny baby (It didn't even hurt..the baby sort of just Popped out of me) and the baby was swaddled up in blankets and was tiny and I think it only weighed 3 pounds (maybe I was thinking about when Josiah was born) but when I looked at it's face it looked more like a little plastic baby doll. The creepy thing was that it seemed like it had "alien" eyes (we've all seen the drawings of those big eyes)..it freaked me out. I also remember at one point that I totally went into some psycho rage and got in my mom's face and started shouting over and over "You are going to DIE TODAY!" I was out of control and it was so frightening. Then I started crying and said I thought that the Wellbutrin wasn't actually working but was causing me to be psychotic.

THEN I WOKE UP, thank God.

do the jerk * do the frug