I think I'm becoming an atheist. I have prayed, I have begged, I have bargained with god (and this was before all this shit of the past 6 months took place). I asked god every day to protect my family and friends and co-workers (and all the animals in the world..cuz I'm sweet and silly and loving like that) and to fill them all with happiness, healthy and good fortune.

I think god needs a hearing aid. I think god doesn't listen (or maybe I refuse to hear or see)..I just GIVE THE FUCK UP. I'm so sick of things happening that are beyond my control. I am not used to that. I am a bit of a control freak, actually. Now I don't know WHAT the hell I am anymore besides weary of this constant pain and chaos that I DID NOT ASK FOR, THAT I DO NOT DESERVE. I know that nobody asks for it and nobody deserves it. Maybe I need to read "When Bad Things Happen to Good People"!?

Last night mom told me that her cancer is coming back. Her most recent blood tests (the CA-125 marker detects ovarian cancer) show that this "cancer marker" has jumped from 65 (35 is normal) to 700. When she first was diagnosed she was around 3000, I think. So, now that her hair is growing in nicely she gets TO FUCKING LOSE IT ALL AGAIN. More chemo, more suffering.

And here I am at work, stuffing my emotions (unless I'm in the bathroom or outside) because I HAVE TO. I've been written up. You know, it's common knowledge..Grieving is Unprofessional. What the Fuck ever.

Send me cards, letters, ANYTHING. I feel so alone.

One positive note: I started writing the book on my sister. I've written 10 pages so far. Go me! It's called "Aloha From Hell"

How is everyone else?

do the jerk * do the frug