2006-09-05 : Numb
I'm back from Seattle (actually it was north of Snohomish)...spent a lot of time on a train yesterday and I feel like I have jet lag even though I didn't fly. While I was gone, mom found out the worst news. Her docs have given up on her. Actually, I shouldn't say that, because they care and all, but they are not going to do any further chemo and have basically let it be known that there is nothing else that can be done. Though I don't go by what docs say as far as life expectancy, Dr. G (who is the most OPTIMISTIC of the two doctors) told my mom that she could die in 3 weeks or 6 months, it's really all a crapshoot. I had no idea that we might lose her this soon. My heart hurts. REALLY BAD. I go between being numb and crying a little to feeling angrier than I ever have before. THIS IS NOT FAIR. I don't even know what else to write. There aren't words to describe how horrible I feel and how horrible I feel for mom. We will go back to Champaign as soon as mom has enough strength to even manage a plane ride. Who knows, she might not make it back to Illinois. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. This is almost as bad as Sarah's death and mom isn't dead yet. I am already grieving for someone that hasn't died. Well, fuck, I am still grieving for my sister, too, obviously. I just want to run away, but I won't. I don't know what else to say. I will try to regain some optimism or maybe somebody can send me some of theirs.
