2006-10-02 : Back In Illinois-Part 1
I've been in Illinois since last Wednesday. Today I'm feeling pretty depressed. The magnitude of my losses is hitting me HARD here and there. I just can't believe that both my sister and my mother are truly and forever gone.

We had the "Celebration of Life" service on Friday from 5-8pm at the nicest Memorial Home I've ever been in (not that I've been in many)...Beautiful decor. It was like being in an English manor or something. I was the first person to be standing in the "receiving" line and it was so strange to stand there for a good 1 1/2 hours with a steady stream of people I knew and many that I didn't. Some people thought I was my mom's sister, not her daughter, and that was pretty bizarre!

Saturday was the Mass at St.Joseph's church. Saturday I was much more emotional. My Aunt MJ got up and spoke the first part of the eulogy. She just talked about being my mom's sister. She told a few humorous tales. She did great. Then my cousin, Jenna, got up. She's only 16. She had a poem she had written for mom and a poem she had written for Sarah. As soon as she got up there, though, she started crying and she couldn't get any words out. My aunt went up and stood next to her and gave her some encouragement and she managed to get through it. It was extremely hard watching that. So many people in the church were crying and that was also hard to watch. So much sadness. I got up last and read 2 poems each for my sister and for my mom and I ended with the famous "Grieve Not" poem. At the very last line of that which goes something like "Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there, I did not die" I totally lost it. I sobbed the last few words and nearly ran back to my pew.

Larry and I were the first auto (we were borrowing a friend's jeep) in line after the service cars to the cemetery. It is amazing how many cars were in that line to the cemetery. I had forgotten how people would pull over that were coming the other way as a sign of respect. I did ok at the cemetery until it the prayers were over. Some relatives went up and kissed each urn (they were sitting on a table) and then I went up and I bent over and sort of cradled the urns in my arms and I just wept and wept. I've had so many "hard" days in the past 10 months, but Saturday might have been the hardest of them all..actually, I don't know.

I feel too somber to write much more. I guess I'll write more when I'm in a better mood. I just miss mom so much it feels like I'm going to die from it.