Last Nov. 25 at this time Mike and I were most likely in my mom's room telling her that Sarah was in the emergency room, unconscious, and with a severe right brain injury. The memory of the haunted and terrified and shocked look in my mom's eyes will forever be imbedded in me. She was feeling SO bad that day, too, because her chemo side effects were kicking in. Her hair was almost gone. God, I don't know if I can write anymore about this. It's too fucking hard. It's so fucking unfair. It feels like a hard kick to my stomach.
Mom stayed up all night that horrible night even though she was so fucking sick from chemo and talked to doctors and she KNEW, she really knew before any of us because she was a NURSE that when the doc's said my sister's brain stem was herniating that she was going to die. God, this just kills me...This destroyed my mom. It destroyed her will to live and will to fight and now she is dead, too. I'm not suicidal, I swear to god, but I miss them and sometimes I wish I could just join them. Don't worry , I'm NOT going to kill myself...but this pain is IMMENSE.
I remember getting a few hours of sleep and then Larry waking up at 3:00 am to drive my brother and his wife up to Portland so they could hop a plane to Hawaii and go see my brain dead sister. My brother came upstairs and sat on my bed and I was groggy and confused and still in so much shock but it felt like somebody choked me when he started shaking as he hugged me and I just felt myself go numb when he said "Stace, I don't think she's going to make it." I guess I had thought there would be a miracle or something. That miracle is Josiah. I dread the day he is eventually told that his mother "died" before actually giving birth to him because she was murdered by his father.
Please. If anybody is reading this: DO NOT TURN YOUR BACK ON DOMESTIC VIOLENCE in your own life or in a friend or family members...DO SOMETHING, do anything...because this isn't just about control and power and jealousy and hitting and punching and fighting..it can lead to dying, too.
And this concludes your semi-monthly melodramatic bullshit entry. Come back next time to read all about my trip to Catalina Island (not sad..not depressing, I promise!)
