We went up to Portland this weekend and stayed at "The Ace Hotel" which is sort of minimalist "hipster" hotel (we got a room for $95, so it was reasonably priced and very well located)The room was really bland in a cool way. The only artistic thing was the the entire wall behind the bed (very plain bedding, but a comfy bed nonetheless) was that someone had taken pages of "The Deerhunter" and pasted them all along the back wall (not in order, either)...Claw foot bathtub in the bathroom, didn't use it, though. They actually put interesting music/film mags in their rooms rather than cheesy "welcome to Portland, Tourist" sort of generic mags. They also had this crazy little booklet called "Now You Know". It was written by some guy in NY named Tony. It tells you such things (in a very humorous way) as "How to use a slim jim", "how to lose your job", "how to walk someone through a trip" (on shrooms), etc.

We spent some time browsing in Powell's (the greatest bookstore on earth, perhaps!) and went to some other cool shops. I got a "Mo' Urban Dictionary" book (I love urbandictionary.com) and also a little book called " The Hypochondriac's guide To Horrible Diseases you probably ALREADY Have!" That is TOTALLY up my alley (and I can think of some old friends that would be thoroughly amused by it, too..you know who you are!)

It also happened to be National Record Store Day! We went into Jackpot Records (probably my fave in Portland) and bought the new R.E.M (that was Larry's deal...I'm not a big R.E.M fan)..a long with something from "The Teenagers"...Boy, do they write hilariously pornographic songs with a backdrop of really catchy music! What else? Oh yea, the new BAUHAUS Cd. That's right. This is their first new release since what? The early 80's? When Larry first played it for me (he didn't tell me it was Bauhaus) I had NO idea who it was but thought it sounded pretty good.
We also bought the new "Elf Power" which is very fun to listen to! Since it was National Record Store Day, they threw in a bunch of goodies in our bag: 3 vinyl music comps, 1 or 2 cd comps, some music zines, stickers, etc. All for free to celebrate Record Stores!

We ate some yummy Lebanese food, and then went to Dante's and saw Mudhoney. Despite having lived in Seattle for so long (9 years) I NEVER ended up making it to a Mudhoney show (they've been putting out albums (though sporadically) since well...they started. I remember hearing some songs off of "Super Fuzz Big Muff" back in 1990 or so (could have been '88) and I remember that my first true love, R, turned me onto them. I was really blown away by "Touch Me I'm Sick". "Super Fuzz Big Muff" remains my fave of all of their releases for some reason. I can't get "Sweet Young Thing" out of my head!!

Anyways...great show. I felt like it was 1991 all over again. The crowd was crazy. I was standing in front of the "mosh pit" (when will people GROW UP? I hate mosh pits! As Larry says "Idiots would slam dance to Johnny fucking Cash if they could!")...but I kept getting pushed into the people in front of me, all of us girls were just being pushed around...once Larry was directly behind me and holding firmly onto me it was fun. Surprisingly, my body is incredibly sore...as if people were punching me in the ribs and the arms (I know it was cuz I kept having to hold onto the people in front of me because the jackasses in back of us were out of hand). That is the only situation in where you keep hanging onto somebody's back or have your hands against them and it's totally acceptable and non-creepy! One time this drunk guy right next to me fell and he grabbed me and brought me down with him and then he wouldn't let go (though larry was trying to pull me up and other people were trying to get this guy up)....the floor was all beer slippery and I had on vans (whoo hoo...I'm such a rockin' chick!) and I couldn't get any traction while trying to stand up. It was slightly nerve-wracking, but nobody got hurt. So, yea...that was a lot of fun and I haven't been at a rowdy rock show in ages! "Cat Power" was great (saw her a couple of weekends ago) but really mellow (no slam dancing there that I was aware of)

The squirrels are now being allowed back in the roof (L unblocked one side) and when he has time he is getting traps and he'll catch them and take them to some OTHER neighborhood and set them free and THEN block all their entrances into our roof!

On Thursday I had an vaginal ultrasound (so much less panic inducing than pap smears for me...it really isn't too uncomfortable at all, which is good) and my ovaries look good (no cysts, etc.) though because I have a tilted uterus she had a harder time seeing one of my ovaries. The sad news (it actually made me cry and feel like a failure as a woman, which is just ridiculous) is that I only have 4 "follicles" (or eggs, I guess) in 1 ovary, and I only have 1 follicle in the other, so I'm really running out of time. Not that that means that in 4 months I will be out of eggs, it doesn't work like that (I'm a little confused about that part) but I guess most women that are 38 have more like 9 or 10 follicles, so I have the follicles of someone in their early 40's. It doesn't mean I cannot get pregnant. It just means that it might be harder than average. Today I am on my third day of taking clomid. I take it 5 days straight...then just a few days after that I'll be doing my normal ovulating, but the clomid should have really improved how I ovulate (and possibly release more than 1 egg)...more blood tests happen to evaluate the clomid and how it effects me..seems like I have to have blood drawn 2-3 times per month, which sucks...I HATE that, but I guess I'll get more used to it. They gave me blood tests the day they did the vag. ultrasound and my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) levels are a high number, which is good news. It means my brain signals correctly to my ovaries about when it is time to ovulate. They also tested my estrodiol (??) which was also a high number (they prefer it to be a little lower)...I'm confused about this part, sort of, but I guess they think that maybe I start producing the egg (or preparing the egg for ovulation) earlier in my cycle than is normal..but it isn't something they are too concerned about right now.

Larry's sperm count is very high, which is great. They swim kinda weird, though, and some of them have deformed heads and tails (ha ha) but that is just his sperm and there is nothing he can do to improve how they move or if some are deformed. Having the high sperm count is really good, though. God, he'd kill me if he knew I was writing this personal stuff about him on HERE! Oh well!

So, Thursday I came home in tears...I was already stressed out from having had to be anxious about the vag. ultrasound (which really turned out to be fine) and then to also have my blood drawn right after that...I have horrible anticipation anxiety for medical things...then I was disappointed that I have so few egg pods or follicles or whatever to work with, that I felt like giving up. Then I was upset cuz I don't have a job yet, and then I was just all depressed and feeling like a loser and a failure and I actually said out loud (to God? Who knows?) while sitting on my back deck (between sobs) "WHY CAN'T ANYTHING GOOD HAPPEN TO ME? JESUS!" And I am really hard on myself sometimes for being so neurotic about things as simple as having blood work done or having any gynecological exams/tests performed....

While up in Portland, I had a lot of fun with Larry having cocktails and beers and then being at the show (I drank more than I should have, but oh well!) and then I was questioning my whole "do I want to give this up for children? Will I be a good mom?" and all of that stuff...so, YES, I still want to get pregnant, but I have more doubts than I did before (esp. when finding out that is might be pretty hard to get pregnant..I don't want to keep having all these procedures done continually, etc.) I guess it is natural to question your ability to be a good parent sometimes, though. I'm not worried about how I'll want to smoke and drink while pregnant...that will be no problem...I am not a heavy drinker and am only a random smoker...but still....I wonder what my life will be like when I have a baby. I'll love it but I don't want to turn into this boring, completely child-centered mommy robot. I don't want to lose my own individual identity, I guess, though I KNOW that baby comes first...I also hope it will not drive a wedge between Larry and I....One just never knows because it changes your life so drastically. But I'm just focusing on the negative "what ifs".

Instead, I should be focusing on all the joy that having a child would bring: watching him/her grow, seeing their personalities develop, playing with them, teaching them, learning from them, etc....

No new news about the trial, really...it is supposed to start end of June. I'm not buying my plane tickets until the very last minute that I possibly can....At this point, getting pregnant and getting a good job are my focus. I'm not even thinking/worrying/or caring about the trial right now. It just doesn't seem important to my life. We will have little or no say over how it goes and what sort of sentence he gets, so...????

Anyways, I have a job interview at 1 pm at A.R. It is a job I'd really like to have (I think) and I am qualified for it, so that is cool. I hope I get it. It would continue in my health insurance/medical billing work experience.

Oh, we went to Ikea yesterday. I HAD to buy the kitties a cat tent. It has cat ears and a tail and they love hanging out with their toys in the tent (and harrassing whomever is in the tent at the time!)