2009-04-04 : Mothering and stuff..
*yawn*...I'm having trouble waking up from a nap. I mean, I'm awake but I feel foggy headed. I almost feel guilty for taking a nap when it is so beautiful outside, but damn..I am a tired woman all of the time now!

The past few days have felt good. I was having a somewhat hard time adjusting to motherhood...crazy hormones, feeling like a failure, resenting being a milk machine, etc., but I feel better the past 2 days and that is good. I feel like I am relating more to Isabella, too, which is good. I was having doubts about this whole mothering thing...I thought it would come more naturally to me than it has. I guess I had some "I will be SO in love with my daughter and she will be so in love with me" fantasy before I had her, and then once she was here, things didn't feel so "perfect" or whatever. Baby blues, I guess..I get all worried that it is post partum depression, but I don't have many of those more severe symptoms. Still, I am going to my regular doc next week to talk about medication options for my anxiety levels (which have increased due to hormone levels and being sleep deprived!) I'd like to be able to still take a small amount of klonopin as it works the best when I have panic attacks. Maybe she'll want me to try out zoloft, though, which is supposedly good for both depression and panic disorder and it known to be safe during breastfeeding. Not much klonopin is thought to get into the breast milk and hell, I've never been able to completely stop taking klonopin so Bella has been "taking" it since before she was born, too...anyways, we'll see.

Saturday Market re-opened today...We always miss it during the winter time! It was fun taking the baby there, though she managed to sleep through the entire thing.

Larry is cooking dinner and I am drinking a good German beer...nice weekend so far.