I love re-reading my old entries because I feel like I was actually an entertaining and funny person back then and that it shows through my writings. Now, not so much...I feel like I am perpetually on a plane of nothingness. I am not incredibly happy or incredibly sad (though I get those emotions here and there), mostly I just function as a wife and a mother. Is this just the curse of being 41 or is it the inevitable "comfortably numb" of being a house wife and a mother?
It feels like I have PMS nearly every day of the month. Is this pre-menopause or am I just really THAT dissatisfied with my life? I feel selfish.
I have a beautiful daughter and a nice husband and am not really wanting for anything, but something is constantly missing. I think I've been searching for it my entire life but I have no idea what it is that I seek, so I don't know how to find it.
I've become unhealthily anti-social. My closest friends, sometimes, seem to be a group of feisty women that I interact with on a Parenting board (but it is the "Hot Topics" section so we talk about things other than parenting..things like whether it is natural or disgusting to pee in the shower, abortion, religion, legalization of prostitution and decriminalization of marijuana, and silly things such as which Pink Floyd album is actually the best ("Piper At The Gates of Dawn", in my opinion).
It seems pathetic to be attached to people I've never met in real life. Maybe it is a way of protecting myself. I don't trust people (not deep down in my heart, where it counts)..I don't relate to most people (but I put on a good show of being friendly and social most of the time). My God, how self-absorbed I am...but aren't we all?
On a side note..fucking ANTS! I made a beautiful loaf of zucchini bread and had one or two pieces. I went to unwrap the foil that housed the bread this morning and found it crawling with ants. VINEGAR to the rescue..it seems to annihilate the little, hungry fuckers.
