I have such a routine going (except on the weekends, but I suppose much of the world lives this way): I wake up at 5:40 am, I go downstairs and watch the news and eat a snack and wait for my charge, Charlotte, to be dropped off by her mom (I started watching her full time M-F, 6 am-3pm)..We play, we watch tv, they play, I space out because I am so fucking tired. They nap from 10:30-12:30 or so. Thank God for naps..I don't know how I will survive when they don't nap. I try to take a nap myself now..or read for a bit, take a nap and have time left over to try to make dinner in advance. Charlotte's mom comes and gets her at 3:00pm..Larry and Bella drop me off at the Newspaper and I work there M-Thurs from 4:00-8:30pm. They pick me up and we do Bella's bedtime routine and I have maybe 20 minutes to read and then I try to fall asleep by 10 pm, just to start this whole routine over again....I just started watching C full-time this past week and hope I get used to rising early and having an extremely busy life. Will all the extra money be worth it? Maybe, maybe not. Right now, though, it feels like my life completely sucks. Little things that Bella does make me happy and if it wasn't for her, my life would be hard to deal with.
All Larry does is work (which is really stressing him out big time right now), take care of Bella, and work on her room/the rest of the house. His life is probably even worse than mine, so you think I could cut him slack, and I try, but in all honesty..right now I would rather be a single mom than be with him.
I just don't feel love for him anymore. I feel like we are just together to raise Bella together. This sucks. I don't know if he feels the same way. I can't stand him half the time. He is cranky, tired and condescending. He has become a bit of a control freak (I am one, too). We just don't work together anymore, but we try for the sake of Bella. I am settling for less because I don't know what else to do. It isn't necessarily his fault that he is who he is or that he seems more unhappy than me, but I swear that I don't take out my frustrations and moods on him QUITE as frequently as he does on me. I just don't like him most of the time. The only time he seems to be nice to me is after we've had sex, but honestly, I have no sex drive from being so tired and from resenting him half the time. The situation is fucked up all around. I don't know what to do. We have talked about all of this so many times. Nothing ever changes. I don't change and neither does he. So, I usually don't bother even talking to him about anything anymore. The only time I do slightly is when it all comes spilling out in me having a crying fit because he has hurt my feelings one too many times. I would go to marriage counseling, and MAYBE he would but I don't know...I don't think it would help. I wish I could just be happy and accept him for who he is. He is just him. He does a lot of good things for us and I appreciate that. I do a lot of good things for us, and I am sure he appreciates it too, but we both take each other for granted.
*sigh*...We always have these ups and downs. I'm looking forward to our vacation in late May, but I know even that will be filled with the stresses of a road trip with a 2-year-old and the fact that Larry and I just don't really get along. We don't necessarily "fight" all the time. We just live together, side by side, but in our own separate worlds. It's pathetic.
Well, at least I don't live in Libya. I know many people have it much worse than me, but hell, this isn't THEIR diary.
