2021-01-23 : 2020 and into 2021- same old same ild
Wow. I haven’t written for more than 2 years. It was definitely just a once a year thing. I love reading back through my old entries. I started this diary in 2002!!! 19 years ago. I’m sitting here with cold air on my neck from the cracked window. We’ve been in this Covid-19 pandemic for almost 11 months. It’s been the strangest time of my life. Not the worst but just.. peculiar.

I guess I should just write a summary of 2020. I’ll probably not write in here again for 2 years. Who knows, though. I was thinking about one of my fave diaries to read back in the day- Squirrel X. I often wonder if she was real or some persona a writer created but her Appalachian wit was unbeatable. I can’t get into her diary anymore, it’s password protected. Too bad.

So, Biden is now President- good riddance to Trump. This last 4 years has been a dumpster fire.

Bella is almost 12. We were watching serial killer documentaries. Am I a bad mom by letting her watch that stuff? I don’t know.

Larry is Larry. We are on a good phase. I just never trust it. He’s by turns loving and then a grumpy snappy asshole. I’ve been saving money which I’ll probably have to give to him because for the first time ever we are going to owe money. Though I asked the IRS to take out taxes on unemployment way back when I first started received unemployment benefits by sending them the necessary form they never did take any out. Calling and getting through to them has been next to impossible since COVID-19 began. I broke down in tears tonight and told Larry I just hold onto this feeling of dread when it comes to him. Once a year we usually get into a fight, usually if he’s drunk ( he’s not drunk most of the time) and he’s threatened me with divorce enough times that I just don’t ever truly trust him not to do it again. I was sobbing and he listened while I told him that I walk on eggshells and have for years and how much those yearly fights have hurt me and I am afraid not to have some money in savings in case I have to actually leave him one day. It’s depressing talking about this stuff with him. He doesn’t really ever have anything to say. I sometimes feel stuck but I guess I’m ok with that. I have some friends here and then Larry and Bella and I’m not close to the rest my family, honestly, so the thought of starting over terrifies me.

On a positive note, I’ve been incredibly productive in drawing and writing prose poems/ mini stories for what I call my “ Sad ladies”- more than 100 drawings and most with character stories. I plan to make a coffee table style magazine. I have a lot of encouragement from friends. Naturally,Larry is indifferent. He doesn’t know how to be excited for anything I do. I’m used to it. I have a lot of creative talents and I know he likes my stuff but he is incapable of complimenting me on anything ever. I sure make him out to be a real asshole. He isn’t and I love him and he’s like a really old and comfortable pair of shoes that I am so used to but maybe it’s just routine and security at this point. I still feel happy with my life in general but maybe I could be so much more happy without him.