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Don't cling to anything and don't reject anything. Let come what comes, and accomodate yourself to that, whatever it is. If good mental images arise, that is fine. If bad mental images arise, that is fine, too. Look on all of it as equal, and make yourself comfortable with whatever happens. Don't fight with what you experience, just observe it all mindfully.

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Larry is currently ???? Who knows? He got mad at me for hogging the computer or something rather stupid and then I went downstairs to read and be away from him and give him space and then he took off in his car. Tracy said he told her he was going to Jerry's (a hardware store..probably to buy closet making supplies..I know he wants to build a closet for us.) I'll apologize (I guess..just to clear the air) when he comes home. I don't like for there to be bad feelings between us.

We had a nice day yesterday (though it started out really emotional for me)...Tracy and Hans told me that they have decided to move back to Holland (at first they said they were going to in DECEMBER! Yikes!) So, she told me right before Larry and I headed out to the Coast. I was upset...cuz I don't want them to leave (esp. that soon) and soon, we were driving and I was crying uncontrollably (these days, any little thing just sends me off the deep end! It's so irritating. I irritate MYSELF so easily)....and then my depression turned into this weird rage thing (or maybe I just needed some release)..so I had a little strange temper tantrum (as Larry called it) in the car, where I kicked the dashboard and screamed a few times. That actually made me feel better. I think I've needed to physically SCREAM for awhile now but haven't. There is something to Primal Scream therapy, perhaps. I can't keep it all balled up inside. And I do get occasional bouts of anger from deep inside (not sure why these are there and what the deal is. I guess it's suppressed anger that I've been carrying around for many, many years)..Occasionally it does come out (which is very good for me, I think), but it kinda scares me when it happens. I'm not used to feeling intense anger. Only intense sadness. Anyways, I eventually got over myself (I hate feeling like I cannot control my thought processes or emotions...I hate it when I can't stop crying...I hate feeling so selfish and self-absorbed)

Anyways, the drive to Winchester Bay was gorgeous. It is amazing and wonderful to live only 70 miles from some of the most gorgeous coastline in America (in my humble opinion)...Larry wanted to visit his friend Jeannie, so we did that, and then we ate at this little place called The Old Anchor Cafe. Really great food. I hate seafood, but Larry had my try their clam chowder and it was heavenly. I was even tempted to snack off his seafood platter (it looked and smelled that good) and I really HATE fish. Fresh fish from the coast is something I think I might one day learn to like, though! I just had a cheeseburger, but even that tasted really yummy!!

Then we drove through Florence and actually down to the Hecete Lighthouse area (which is RIGHT ON THE OCEAN)....God, one minute we were driving on winding, tree-lined roads and then suddenly the view opened up and down below was the OCEAN, crashing waves and craggy rocks. I think I gasped at it's beauty. Once we got down to the water (the sun was out and on the water it was almost blinding!) we walked along the beach a little, daring the waves/high-tide to soak our shoes. I loved running backwards quickly to avoid getting my shoes wet. Larry wasn't quite quick enough at one point and so he got his shoes and socks soaked. It was so pretty and alot of fun. It was fairly windy and chilly, but still so beautiful. I'd love to go there even when it's a dark and stormy and cold day and watch the violent water. I'll just bundle up!

Tonight we are seeing The Shudders, Toad in the Hole, and the Ovulators at Luckey's. Should be fun. I'll dance my ass off to the Shudders.

Who knows what tommorrow brings.

Oh, and Tracy and Hans have decided to postpone their move back to Holland until summer, so I feel better about that, plus hopefully Larry and I will go to Europe in the summer and visit them, and go to Greece (Larry's idea) and Prague, etc.

Still no job, but I know one will come about in the next week or two (wishful thinking..but if I wish hard enough, something has to happen, right?)

Have a good weekend! I'm looking forward to Tracy's African Chicken and Coconut stew (and I guess Hans is making Greek food tommorrow, YUM! I'll be staying home for that!)