I'm listening to Robert Johnson right now. I was listening to some old Delta blues the other day on my I-pod and I had memories from high school come back. I remember going to this vintage clothing store (it was one of the first ones I ever went into) with Tracy or Tap or Jezebel or someone...old blues (or Billie Holiday) was playing on the stereo of this shop and it was one of my first times in being exposed to old blues or jazz. To a 15-year-old girl there seemed something so sophisticated about listening to something OLD while looking at OLD clothing. I felt special. I felt like I had discovered a secret drawer in an old desk. I think it was winter out when we went into this store. I can't even remember it's name. I just remember rhinestones and black dresses from the 1940s or 1950s and little hats (some of them rough around the edges) that would need to be pinned on the head so they wouldn't fall off. I could never wear those little hats. I had 1985 new wave girl hair. I couldn't get away with wearing bright red lipstick because my skin has always been slightly red ruddy on top of all my white girl whiteness. 1955 lipstick. What would a color have been called back then? Certainly not "Fuck Me Red", but maybe "Rhapsody in Red". Back then I was small enough to actually be able to fit into the TINIEST vintage dresses. I have a problem fitting into those dresses these days. The ones I fit into seem more matronly (not that I am THAT heavy) but people no longer come up to me and say "I'm sorry for prying, but are you anorexic?" like they did in high school. I'm glad of that. I've never had an eating disorder. Isn't it funny that we always want different things at different times.
When I was 16 I wanted more than anything in the world not to be so skinny and flat chested and knob kneed. Now I would love to weigh 140 pounds (not a 100 pounds like back then, though) but I think that is unrealistic. I got on the scale today and I weigh less (just by a few pounds) than I have in probably two years. I still want to lose 20 pounds. I'd like to get down to 155 or so. That was the weight I was when I moved to Oregon four years ago. Jesus. Who wants to read about my poor body image. I'm 38 and not 18.
But, back to how things change. When I was in my twenties the LAST thing I wanted to do was get pregnant and so you know, you take precautions (or many times you don't, stupidly, and hope for the best) and I'm actually TRYING to get pregnant...it just ain't easy anymore! Funny how we change.
I've also become so much more of a homebody. I used to love going to see punk rock shows. I liked going to parties in college and drooling over cute hipster boys and getting drunk with my friends. It's not that I feel "old and boring and all grown up" because I don't. I KNOW that I have far less energy than I did at 18 or 28, even. That is ok. That is normal. Then again..I have to think about a time when I've EVER been a real high energy go getter?! NEVER! I've always had a tendency towards day dreaming and laziness and lying or sitting around, living in my head and in books and movies and music. I've lived a listless life and I'll never really change and that is ok as well. No, that's bullshit. I haven't lived a LISTLESS life. Ha Ha.
Oh. Weird. Our extremely mentally unstable neighbor just came and wanted to apologize to Larry for venting at him the other night. It's a long story and I don't trust this guy but I'm shocked that he came to apologize. He's always so aggressive and paranoid. The guy was visibly shaking as he was talking to me. I think he was afraid. I almost felt sorry for him, actually. I've never spoken to him directly myself. We have had a lot of problems with him (and his mother to a degree) but I don't want to go around hating anybody. The guy is so unpredictable, though. I expect him to be blaming Larry for imaginary problems next week. You just never know. Damn, he broke my spell of writing. Oh well.
