My eyes look like shit. Will cucumber slices take the swelling down? I thought yesterday I would break my pattern of "Sad Saturday" but at some point last night (probably shortly after my last entry) I totally lost it again. Larry couldn't or didn't want to deal with me yet again and was also mad cuz I didn't want him to touch my leg...I don't blame him. And I said "You hate America's Most Wanted...would you rather watch this shit than TALK TO ME?" He said "No." But he also didn't want to talk. I sat in the stairwell outside or bedroom crying. It felt pathetic. Larry put on his "I don't care" kind of attitude. That hurt. I ended up going down to Scott's (he lives in the basement apartment of our house) and talking to him about my relationship problems with Larry. He was a good person to talk to. Then I came back upstairs and listened to Coast-to-Coast for awhile (Larry was pretending to be asleep or basically just ignoring me. I tryed spooning him at one point and he was laying there like a piece of wood. No warmth.) Coast-to-Coast wasn't very interesting so I turned it off. Then the tears started coming slowly and then I felt that I needed to hide from Larry and let him sleep or "not care" or whatever he needed to do, so I went in the bathroom and sat on the damp green bathmat on the floor, in the dark. Sobbing and rocking and drooling. That felt incredibly pathetic, too. Then I came out here and I did the same sort of thing but this time while sitting on the floor in the dark room, hugging (squeezing to death) a large pillow...and then I started feeling an almost uncontrollable rage. It was all I could do not to pummel Larry (I'm ashamed of this) or punch walls. It was SO hard to control this feeling of black hatred. I muttered things under my breath like "You stupid son-of-a-bitch, I hate you" over and over again and it felt directed at Larry but in a way I think it wasn't. Was it directed at myself? Or someone from my past? I'm not sure. It was terrifying. I wanted Larry to try to console/comfort me and at the same time I didn't. I was screaming in my head, and I felt like I just wanted to jump OUT of my body to escape this "ready to explode" feeling. It's almost too hard to talk about. I'm teary again. Then I got in bed and my fists were clinched and I kept thinking "If I don't get ahold of this, I'm gonna work myself into a heart attack or stroke or something" and then Larry held my hands and then I just felt so horribly low...at the bottom of a well. I don't know how to talk about this without it sounding all cliched and Sylvia Plath-like. I couldn't stop these horrible images from going through my head of me trying to kill myself. That has never happened to me before. This continual movie loop of me just free-falling off our roof. I'm sure about all I'd do in that case is break some bones. But I couldn't get that image out of my head. I asked Larry to take me to the hospital a couple of times. I thought maybe I should go, but then I thought about if they could really even DO anything for me (and I was afraid they'd stick an IV in my arm..I couldn't have dealt with that) and Larry rocked me back and forth and massaged my arms and shoulders and kept trying to have me lie down and slowly, very, very slowly..I came out of it. He was really good at helping me. I wasn't able to sleep very well, but I did sleep for awhile. I feel so exhausted and unfortunately I woke up feeling sad and I still feel sad (I'm crying gently right now) but it's not like last night. When will this END? I know..I need to go to a doctor. Larry was wondering if the new birth control pills I started taking two months ago are doing this, but I'm not thinking that is the case. I've never had this reaction on birth control and these are the lowest hormone pills I've ever taken..it's probably coincidental. I just wish somebody could wave a magic wand over me. Sorry. Maybe I'll be back to my funny and goofy self eventually, but I'm not sure when that will be.

do the jerk * do the frug